Norman Tebbit to start cycling club as Tories push for youth vote

Tebbit Cycling
Support us and go ad-free

If the general election taught us one thing, it’s that the Conservative Party has totally lost the youth vote. Who’d have thought that would happen after only seven years of shafting young people from every conceivable angle?

The party had attempted to be youth-savvy by getting junior Tory blue-blood Ben Gummer to write the manifesto. But because it looked like a bit of half-done last-minute homework, everyone said it was rubbish and he lost his seat.

Since then there’s been a brief attempt to reclaim lost ground. But a senior Tory told us Activate was “so shit it needs strangling at birth”.

The Tories have looked at Labour and thought:

They’ve got a straight-talking old man who promotes cycling. Hang on, we’ve got a straight-talking old man who promotes cycling. Old Norman Tebbit. Why don’t we pull him out of cold storage and put him to use?

On Yer Bike

And so the On Yer Bike movement was born. We spoke to its co-ordinator, 58-year-old hedge fund manager and Tory donor Crispin Pannier:

The young people love to go cycling. The freedom, the wind in the hair, the camaraderie of the road. Our plan is to create groups of young cyclists, which we’ll call ‘peletons’. They will criss-cross the country visiting key marginals. On their arrival we’ll erect a pop-up youth club or perhaps have a disco. There should be a good market for it because David Cameron closed all the other youth clubs. It’s funny actually because if you talk to any keen cyclist they’ll tell you it’s all about momentum. And what we really need now is momentum. Yes… momentum… ah, momentum…

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

We left Pannier gazing wistfully towards the horizon and browsed the printed information for On Yer Bike. Asked why the scheme didn’t have a website, Pannier had said: “We’re not making that mistake again”. According to the pamphlet, Tebbit will occupy an ‘ambassadorial role’ rather than actually riding a bike. We understand he won’t be giving interviews in case he accidentally says something massively racist.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Wikimedia / NPS

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed