The week in satire Vol. #48

John Shafthauer

And what a week it was!

A week in which Theresa May tried to recover from the F grade she was given in the election! A week in which May’s ‘F’ fell off! And a week in which May’s party asked if she could ‘eff off next!

But what else happened?

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Let’s look back and see:

May grows a beard to better emulate Corbyn

by John Shafthauer

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Earlier in 2017, Theresa May made the mistake of thinking she was quite popular. But the more May let her personality shine through, the more people realised she didn’t have one.

She just had soundbites.

And empty promises.

And a vestigial Boris Johnson.

There was one politician who seemed to appeal, though. And that politician was Jeremy Corbyn. A politician that May has vowed to emulate.

Oh, Theresa May

Theresa May walked on to the stage in an ill-fitting beige suit – an exact match to the one Corbyn wore circa 2015. She was also sporting a fake beard and holding a giant marrow she’d allegedly grown on her allotment. She told the confused Tories in attendance: 

Greetings, comrades – it’s me – the absolute girl, Theresa May.

If this last election has taught us anything, it’s that young people don’t want to live lives of debt, misery and hopelessness! So it’s very important we claim to be offering something other than that! For at least as long as it takes us to win another majority!

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Tory Party owners face 5 years in jail for refusing to have it humanely destroyed OTPTory party owners face 5 years in jail for refusing to have it humanely destroyed

by John Shafthauer

When an old animal becomes unable to sustain itself, the humane thing to do is put it down. In fact, to keep it going in a state of ‘living death’ could be cruel. Which is now very bad apparently.

But the owners of the Conservative Party don’t see things that way. Which is why they’ve allowed the government to hobble on regardless – despite the fact it’s lame, tone deaf, and incontinent.

Shared ownership

The Conservative Party is owned by a bad conglomerate of industrialists, inbreds, hoover magnates, arseholes, and vampires. If it wasn’t for the financial life support these people provided, the party would have croaked a long time ago.

An observer at the Conservative Party Conference reported:

It’s just sad to watch really. Over half of today’s speakers walked on stage and just stared into space – not saying anything – a look of dread on their withered faces.

When it was Boris Johnson’s turn to talk, he howled like a wounded goat and then wet himself. Theresa May trembled like a run-over cat for half an hour and then spontaneously started shedding hair. I tried giving her some water, but it just ran off her lips and down her top. 

It’s difficult to watch.

I mean – not that difficult – because they’re some of the worst people in history, and they probably deserve a lot worse.

More just ‘boring’ to watch, I suppose.

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Theresa May Boris Johnson OTPClaim that Johnson isn’t undermining May undermined by Johnson

by John Shafthauer

Many people are claiming that Boris Johnson is undermining Theresa May. And the reason they’re claiming this is because he is. And you’d have to be incredibly deluded or astoundingly weak to claim otherwise.

Luckily, the person in charge of our country is both of those things.

And as such, she was able to pretend that Johnson wasn’t making her look like a clown. Even as he literally painted clown makeup on her unwilling face.

Boris means Boris

May was being interviewed when she made the claim that Johnson wasn’t undermining her. Even as she was saying this, though, the Foreign Secretary was standing behind her – making raspberry noises and pulling stupid faces.

The PM is a seasoned professional when it comes to pretending that everything is fine though. As such, Johnson had little option but to walk up and start twerking in front of her.

When that didn’t work, the grimy aristo-path simply shouted, “I AM BORIS! HEAR ME BORE!” over everything May was saying. Which wasn’t much, to be fair, as May has very little to say.

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Ten things that went right with Theresa May’s ‘British Nightmare’ speech

by John Shafthauer

2017 has not been a good year for Theresa May. Although, to be fair, most years have been terrible for her: this is just the year in which people paid attention.

In an effort to regain control, May stood before her party and country on 4 October. Despite several things going wrong (to the point that it felt like a cross between The Thick of It and Saw), May soldiered on, and she said:

Oh god – this is an absolute nightmare *COUGH, COUGH*. And I’m in charge, am I? *COUGH* Of the country? *COUGH, COUGH* Jesus Christ.

But what, if anything, went right?

Ten things I rate about you

Theresa’s top ten includes:

  • No recorded fatalities.
  • She mentioned Jeremy Corbyn – a much better politician – at one point.
  • Several of the letters behind May didn’t fall off.
  • It got great ratings. Which is allegedly quite important in the Trumpian era of politics.
  • It made everyone forget about the disastrous election. Briefly.
  • Not all of the speech was plagiarised. Some of it was just bad.
  • There weren’t any jokes about dead Libyans. The bar for decency at the Conservative Party Conference having been set pretty low this year.
  • Like most successful right-wing speeches, it resulted in a popular communist – Frida Kahlo in this instance – trending on Twitter.
  • It hasn’t weakened our Brexit negotiating hand. We already didn’t have one.
  • It reminded us that things can only get better. Unless of course you’re Theresa May. In which case things seem to be getting worse. Which is impressive, considering how bad they already were.

So yes, it wasn’t all bad. 

Some of it was terrible.

A lot of it was diabolical.

And most of it was hilarious.

Theresa May updated CV OTPEXPOSED! Theresa May’s updated CV has leaked

by John Shafthauer

Theresa May is so bad at being Prime Minister that she makes signs fall to pieces in despair.

https://twitter.com/hourlyterrier/status/915549123025133568?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.thecanary.co%2Foff-the-perch%2F2017%2F10%2F06%2Fexposed-theresa-mays-updated-cv-has-leaked%2F

As such, she might have to stop being PM soon. Because if her presence alone can do that to a sign, just imagine what her leadership can do to the country.

This obviously means that May will be looking for a new job. Which is almost certainly why she has updated her CV – a CV that Off The Perch has exclusively seen. 

Curriculum, oh my

Of interest in the updated CV was the following:

WORK HISTORY

2016-2017: Prime Minister of Great Britain.

2017-2017: Deputy Prime Minister to Jeremy Corbyn following a somewhat disappointing general election.

SKILLS

Diplomacy: I found the trick to keeping everyone happy on Brexit was to never have a position on anything. Well – I say ‘happy’ – it was more ‘equally annoyed’ really. No one could say my Brexit plan was bad though. I didn’t have one.

Team Work: Eww – no. No thank you.

Self-confidence: I called a snap election I barely planned for while knowing I have all the charm of a medical waste bag. So yes, you could say I’m somewhat confident in myself.

HOBBIES

  • Running through fields of wheat.
  • Walking through fields of wheat.
  • Reminiscing about fields of wheat.
  • Systematically stripping benefits from disabled people and driving them to suicide as part of an ideological war against compassion, human decency, and the concept of ‘society’.
  • Wheat.

Wheat next?

It’s unclear yet if May will actually go. Obviously she should, but what’s the point really?

The Tory government is nosediving, and the only people wanting to take hold of the wheel are the ones who’ve always seen politics as a kamikaze run on the British dream of social democracy.

In other words, strap yourself in and prepare for turbulence.

Get Involved!

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Featured image via Wikimedia / Pixabay / Wikimedia / Wikimedia Wikimedia / WikimediaYouTubeWikimedia/Public Domain Pictures

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John Shafthauer