Experts discover cost of royal weddings is equivalent to GDP of ‘small African dictatorship’
Experts have calculated that 2018’s two royal weddings will cost as much as the total wealth of a “small African dictatorship”; plus “the yearly bounty of six rogue pirates” and “two dozen herds of Freedom Food-approved, organically-bred, gluten-free mountain goats”.
But their groundbreaking research has been slammed by commentators loyal to the monarchy, who branded the group “liberal, tofu-eating, Guardian-reading bleeding heart Corbynistas”.
EAT THE RICH!!!
On Monday 22 January, FAMOX – the campaign to “raise poor people out of poverty by just enough to stop them grabbing their pitchforks” – launched its annual How Much Do The Windsors Rip Us Off By? report. It calculates how much the British royal family owns, compared to the other 99.9% (recurring) of the solar system.
And in 2017, it found that Brenda and Co owned a staggering 26,345% more than the median wage in Angola. And 5,735% more than in the UK.
FAMOX also looked into the cost of the two royal weddings that are being held this year. And it’s that research that discovered the headline findings. FAMOX’s Senior Analyst for Vacuous Displays of Pageantry, Carl Marcs, told Off The Perch (in an exclusive interview recorded in FAMOX’s plush Islington head office):
It is scandalous that in 2018 the royal family can spend £234,363,792 on two weddings. This money could keep the entire population of Angola fed on mung beans and brown rice for the next 25 years.
Imagine that? Imagine how happy those people would be, knowing that they had the security of one meal a day? Also, the money could go towards ensuring every child has a UK government-backed, privately-financed Western education. And vaccines from GlaxoSmithKline. And it would keep five FAMOX executives in all the Pret a Manger they can eat for a decade…
EAT THE POOR!!!
But critics have hit back at FAMOX’s research. Tobias Jung, from the Institute of Economic Arrogance (IEA), told Off The Perch (in an exclusive interview recorded in the IEA’s plush Islington head office that it shares with FAMOX):
The liberal, tofu-eating, Guardian-reading bleeding heart Corbynistas at FAMOX have got it wrong. Again. As the IEA has repeatedly shown, it’s the capitalist free markets – controlled by 147 corporations, rigged by the City of London and with repeated financing by the taxpayer – that ensure that brown people have just enough to live on so they don’t end up eating each other. WELL, having said that – they probably do that for fun, anyway…
Off The Perch asked a woman we nearly ran over with our Boris Bike what she thought of FAMOX’s research. She said:
It’s OUTRAGEOUS the royal family has so much money!
But have you seen Meghan Markle in this week’s OK Yah! magazine?
I feel SO sorry for those poor brown babies in Africa!
But look at the diamond-encrusted engagement ring my boyfriend just got me!
Politicians, meanwhile, shrugged their shoulders. Because FAMOX’s report was pretty much the same as last year’s. And the year before. And the year before that. And the year before that…
– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
Featured image via Comrade King/Flickr, Edward Hands/Wikimedia [image altered] and the government of Japan/Wikimedia [image altered]
We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support
The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.
The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.
So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.