Rupert Murdoch has asked his best chums at MI5 to recruit vets as a “matter of urgency” and in the “interests of national security”. As his impartial tabloid The Times reported [paywall], suspicious cats and guinea pigs are at large in the UK:
Murdoch insists these beasts can provide evidence that will explain why Jeremy Corbyn is to blame for the Salisbury poisoning.
Robert Brown, a vet from Lower Piddle in Dorset, spoke exclusively to Off The Perch. He said:
It’s well known by vets that cats are communists. I mean, you’ve only got to look at the way they behave. And guinea pigs were spotted at nearly every recent terrorist attack in the UK. Obviously, this isn’t common knowledge. But I think it’s fair to say that the cat is well and truly out of the bag now. Excuse the pun.
That’s why, on our incomes, most vets have dogs as pets.
Off The Perch contacted Corbyn, a well-known cat lover, for comment. He was not available, but a spokesperson said on his behalf:
Jeremy would like you to know that he thinks the current escalation of events needs pause for thought. He will comment further soon.
Murdoch promised MI5 that he’ll run a free recruitment campaign in his papers to ensure they find the best vets in the country. Off The Perch has seen a preview of copy that will appear in papers from 6 April. Questions include:
- Do you like vodka?
- Have you ever taken a cat-nap at work?
- Can you imitate a guinea pig squeak?
- List three more things that Jeremy Corbyn is responsible for.
- Have you ever voted for a winner on Britain’s Got Talent?
With this rigorous approach, Murdoch said he will “cleanse the country of communist cats”. And Jeremy Corbyn.
Featured image via Pixabay (adapted)
We need your help ...
The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.
Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.
We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.
Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?