Leaked memo shows what Theresa May wanted in a new home secretary

Theresa May saying: 'If you’re available to start taking the blame in the next 20 minutes, you’re in!'
Support us and go ad-free

Rudd is out!

Javid is in!

But why such a fast turnaround?

A leaked application has shed light on the situation.

May day

The job application – hastily scribbled on the back of a deportation memo – asked the following:

Hello.

Can you start immediately?

Read on...

Also:

  1. Do you have a passion for other people’s mistakes?
  2. Did you vote in favour of all the horror-bills which are now causing us so many problems?
  3. Does ‘bullet shield’ sound like a cool nickname you’d like to have?
  4. Are you unaware of the expression ‘the last days of Rome’?
  5. Will you agree not to join in with all the other ministers when they make me look like a twat? This would be nice, but I appreciate beggars can’t be choosers.
  6. Do you yearn to take bullets for others – crave it in fact – leaping at said bullets like a greedy Labrador chasing toffees?
  7. Do you have practical ideas for dealing with immigration? If so, this job isn’t for you.
  8. Are you happy to lie until such a point that your trousers catch fire? Are you happy to claim that said trousers aren’t ablaze even when they are?
  9. Do you have no shame? What am I saying – of course you don’t! You’re a Tory!
  10. Again – are you immediately available to start taking bullets for me? There are so many of them!

Lots of love,

Mummy

Applicant

Thankfully for May, there were hundreds of Tories who met this description. Unluckily for us, these people are all still in power.

For now.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via Daniel Leal-Olivas of i-Images – Flickr

We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support

The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.

The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.

So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.

Support us

Comments are closed