Blue Peter wins contract to build UK’s Brexit satellite network

A cardboard model of a satellite floating in space
Support us and go ad-free

One of the many, many, many* things we’ll no longer be part of after we leave the European Union is the EU satellite system. The clue was in the name, but the realisation has taken many in government by surprise.

Not to be outdone, the UK has commissioned its own satellite network. And it’s…

…well…

…I’m sure you can imagine what it’s like.

Dick

The bid to build the satellite network was won by the BBC’s Blue Peter team. Richard Bacon (who we assume is still the latest member?) said this about winning the contract:

They told us they only wanted a model. There’s no way what we built will survive the launch into space – let alone house a team of astronauts. I don’t even think satellites are supposed to have astronauts on them?

At this point, a man in a black suit stepped forwards. He appeared to be holding a gun in his pocket, and he instructed Bacon to “get inside” the model satellite.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

Bacon complied as well as he was able.

Members only

An EU bigwig has said about the issue:

Look, when you said you were leaving the EU, we kind of assumed you knew what that meant. We didn’t think we’d have to systematically explain each and every EU benefit you would no longer have access to.

Dave Davis countered:

Well yes, obviously we knew that, but we’ll still get the EU soft-cheese allowance, right? And the EU cardigan subsidy? And the discount at the EU museum of ABBA?

Davis went on for some time describing EU schemes we’d no longer be a part of. After four hours, the EU big wig said simply:

No.

*many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via pxhere / pixabay

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed