Shock as crime increases even as Tories do all the things that increase crime

A shocked looking man and newspapers talking about the crime wave in the UK
John Shafthauer

The right-wing tabloids are shocked!

Shocked, I tell you!

Because even though the Tories have done all the things that increase crime, crime has increased!

Start your day with The Canary News Digest

Fresh and fearless; get excellent independent journalism from The Canary, delivered straight to your inbox every morning.

But-but-whaaaa?

A Tory minister confirmed they did everything right – including:

  • Making people more poor/destitute/desperate.
  • Overworking, underpaying and generally pissing off the police.
  • Pulling the social mobility ladder up and giving an F-U to the people at the bottom.

As such, it’s a mystery why crime is still increasing, and Tory-supporting comedians can’t even walk the streets (in their Range Rovers) without being robbed at hammer-point.

Must try harder

New home secretary Sajid Javid has explained how he’s doing more to discourage criminals:

It seems that creating the environment for crime to fester isn’t enough to stop it. As such, I’ve gone above and beyond.

Just yesterday, I approached a group of young chaps on the street. I showed them a blueprint I’d acquired of a nearby jeweller’s. I explained that, if they got three motorbikes and hit the joint at 2:00pm Wednesday, they’d get the jewellery and the cash before it was banked.

One of them looked at me and said, ‘But we don’t have motorbikes, Mr Javid.’ I could see I wasn’t getting through to them, so I took it even further. I gave them each a moped, firearm, and ski mask, and agreed to be their lookout.

If that doesn’t stop them, I don’t know what will.

Shook

Shockingly, it didn’t stop them. If anything, it seems to have encouraged them.

As such, it’s hard to see what the government can do next. Although there’s talk of a reverse weapons amnesty in which the government hands out firearms to anyone who wants one.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via Casey Fleser – Flickr

Since you're here ...

We know you don't need a lecture. You wouldn't be here if you didn't care.
Now, more than ever, we need your help to challenge the rightwing press and hold power to account. Please help us survive and thrive.

The Canary Support

Comments are closed