Theresa May has called back Harry Kane from Russia to defeat the saboteurs and deliver a patriotic Brexit

Harry Kane saying: "If Brexit means Brexit what does Brexit mean?" Off The Perch

As MPs prepare for another Brexit showdown, Theresa May has got on the blower and summoned a surprising hero to save the country from this turmoil.

Captain fantastic. Leader of men. Harry Kane.

Wear the three lions with pride

It’s thought that May’s advisers were hugely impressed with Kane’s man of the match performance in England’s World Cup opener against Tunisia.

A Downing Street source told The Canary:

No one wants to take control of Brexit because it’s just too bloody difficult. What we need is someone to galvanise the troops, to lead a weak team from the front. People are tired of experts. They want passion – someone who will go sit in front of Barnier and wear the three lions with pride. Harry is the perfect man.

Not bogged down in facts

England manager Gareth Southgate was upset to lose his captain, but understood that some things are just more important:

The lads are gutted to lose Harry, but we all realise that the World Cup pales in comparison to delivering the Brexit people voted for. Harry told me he’s never heard of the customs union or even Northern Ireland, and that’s just what we need – someone whose patriotism isn’t bogged down in facts and repercussions.

Read on...

And Brexit badboy Nigel Farage issued a statement while sitting in a Weatherpersons smoking area lighting cigars with twenty-pound notes and complaining that he’s broke:

I’m tired of remoaners who hate our country trying to sabotage mine and Moggy’s plan to turn Britain into a corporate tax haven. Kane’s a born finisher. When he sees a chance, he gets tunnel vision and takes it, regardless of the calamitous effect on the 99%.

It’s thought that Kane is assembling a crack team of patriotic types to help him, including ‘Tactics’ Tim Sherwood, Richard Keys, Andy Gray, and Big Sam Allardyce.

What is Brexit?

On the plane back to the motherland, Kane issued the following statement:

I’m delighted to get this opportunity and just want to do well for the country. I’ve heard that Brexit means Brexit. However, as I don’t know what Brexit means, that means little to me.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via BenSutherland/Flickr(altered)

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed