Tory backbenchers surprised to learn what the word ‘rebel’ means

Nicky Morgan and Dominic Grieve saying: "We're like if Che Guevara and Guy Fawkes had very disappointing children" Tory rebels Off The Perch
Support us and go ad-free

Tory rebels rebelled against the government this week. Except…


they didn’t. And the people we’re referring to as ‘rebels’ should more accurately be described as:

  1. Loyalists.
  2. Adherents.
  3. Spineless, yellow-bellied weasels.

Off The Perch caught up with some of these so-called ‘rebels’ to ask them what they were rebelling against.

Rebel, not-so rebel 

OTP: Hey, Dominic Grieve – what are you rebelling against?

DG: My own amendment, actually. In doing so, I’m sending a very clear message to myself – namely that anyone who crosses hard Brexit will have me to deal with. Even if said rebel is in fact me.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

OTP: You’re right, that is very clear. And what are you rebelling against, Nicky Morgan?

NM: I’m rebelling against Theresa May being undermined by rebels like me.

OTP: You’re not really a rebel though, are you?

NM: Yes I am.

OTP: No, you’re not.

NM: Well, there’s no arguing with that.

OTP: Not for you there isn’t. And what are you rebelling against, Tom Tugendhat?

TT: I want to make sure people have a meaningful vote.

OTP: But you had a meaningful vote, and you used it to vote alongside the government.

TT: Oh yes. So I guess I’m just rebelling against other people having what I squandered.

OTP: Wonderful. Thanks a lot for your time.

Tory guerrillas

After they’d finished talking to us, the Tory rebels went off and committed some more acts of rebellion. Namely by voting in line with all the other Tories; screwing the poor like all the other Tories, and being predictably loathsome like all the other Tories.

Truly revolutionary.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via Chris McAndrew – Wikimedia / Chris McAndrew – Wikimedia

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed