Tory backbenchers surprised to learn what the word ‘rebel’ means

Nicky Morgan and Dominic Grieve saying: "We're like if Che Guevara and Guy Fawkes had very disappointing children" Tory rebels Off The Perch
John Shafthauer

Tory rebels rebelled against the government this week. Except…


they didn’t. And the people we’re referring to as ‘rebels’ should more accurately be described as:

  1. Loyalists.
  2. Adherents.
  3. Spineless, yellow-bellied weasels.

Off The Perch caught up with some of these so-called ‘rebels’ to ask them what they were rebelling against.

Rebel, not-so rebel 

OTP: Hey, Dominic Grieve – what are you rebelling against?

DG: My own amendment, actually. In doing so, I’m sending a very clear message to myself – namely that anyone who crosses hard Brexit will have me to deal with. Even if said rebel is in fact me.

OTP: You’re right, that is very clear. And what are you rebelling against, Nicky Morgan?

NM: I’m rebelling against Theresa May being undermined by rebels like me.

OTP: You’re not really a rebel though, are you?

NM: Yes I am.

OTP: No, you’re not.

NM: Well, there’s no arguing with that.

OTP: Not for you there isn’t. And what are you rebelling against, Tom Tugendhat?

TT: I want to make sure people have a meaningful vote.

OTP: But you had a meaningful vote, and you used it to vote alongside the government.

TT: Oh yes. So I guess I’m just rebelling against other people having what I squandered.

OTP: Wonderful. Thanks a lot for your time.

Tory guerrillas

After they’d finished talking to us, the Tory rebels went off and committed some more acts of rebellion. Namely by voting in line with all the other Tories; screwing the poor like all the other Tories, and being predictably loathsome like all the other Tories.

Truly revolutionary.

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Featured image via Chris McAndrew – Wikimedia / Chris McAndrew – Wikimedia

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John Shafthauer