And what a week it was!
A week in which the Tories agreed on a Brexit plan! A week in which some other Tories disagreed that they’d agreed! And a week in which the public agreed the Tories have no clue what they’re doing!
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see!
It’s looking increasingly likely that Britain will crash out of the UK with no deal. Which is weird, because we’re supposedly dead good at negotiating – hence our desire to leave the EU and strike up more deals.
In response, the NHS is already planning for the worst. Namely by watching The Hunger Games and observing what the Tories have already done to the DWP.
A senior planner for the NHS told us:
In the days after the no-deal Brexit, we’re expecting supplies to run short. This will be doubly unfortunate, as we’re also expecting an increase in injuries. Largely because Jacob Rees-Mogg claimed a no-deal Brexit would be a real victory, and idiots tend to get drunk and injure themselves when they’re celebrating.
A few months later, we’re expecting to have no supplies whatsoever. We’ve been preparing for this by training staff in how to use bows and arrows. Our plan is to raid private pleasure cruises for medical supplies when they get too close to the British coast.
If things get even worse, we’ll probably just start wearing cowls and worship an unexploded nuclear bomb. And it probably will get worse, as Jeremy Hunt is still in charge.
If you’re worried about future NHS shortages, we’d advise getting ill now while there’s still medicine. Especially as so many Brexiteers are using up valuable supplies shooting themselves in the foot.
The government is unable to decide what Brexit plan it would like to pursue. As such, several discussions have been taking place to decide who has the best plan.
This was all well and good until tragedy struck. Namely, when Victorian novelty act Jacob Rees-Mogg turned up and literally threw his hat in the ring.
Oh, the humanity!
Rees-Mogg was wearing one of his trademark top hats. The one he’d chosen that day was some 30ft tall. It was crafted of black swan leather wrapped around an ivory framework.
Seconds after it was launched into the ring, the hat crashed down upon three of Brexit’s greatest thinkers:
- Disgraced former defence secretary Liam Fox.
- Boris Johnson.
- That Brexit elf guy:
The only elf is this fool supporting your pro Brexit cause pic.twitter.com/HcF8SiUrWm
— Marek Mika (@MarekmikaMarek) June 25, 2018
“You aren’t supposed to actually throw a hat, you infudulous gollop!” Johnson complained.
Breaking the law
Shortly after the incident, Rees-Mogg was arrested.
There was a wrinkle in the story, however, as the foppish politician pointed to an archaic law which said it’s legal for an MP to crush his peers with a massive hat as long as he has a goose feather in his breast pocket and a tattoo of Aristotle on his right buttock.
As Rees-Mogg had both of these things, they were forced to let him go.
In response to the crushing, a representative from the EU said:
Why did you think you could negotiate a better arrangement with us when you can’t even decide what deal you want among yourselves?
The Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) is many things. Fit for purpose – or ‘fit for work’ – is not one of them. Yet Esther McVey has claimed otherwise.
Suspicions arose when McVey gave a speech about how well the DWP was doing. An analyst from the National Accuracy Office (NAO) told us this:
We suspected something was amiss when she began opening her mouth. When we analysed what she’d said, we realised that we were right to be worried.
Despite all evidence to the contrary, McVey claimed the DWP isn’t screwing people over on a daily basis. She also insisted that the people in charge don’t secretly love ruining people’s lives. A claim which was particularly egregious, as she was stabbing a voodoo doll while she said it.
When her speech was finished, she smiled and gave a thumbs up. We later discovered that she was using a prosthetic thumb to give the illusion of approval. We also noticed that she’d used sellotape to hold the corners of her mouth up. We’d suspected this anyway, as McVey is incapable of feeling joy unless torturing small animals or handing out sanctions.
This isn’t the only time McVey has been accused of deception. It’s not even the only time this week.
You can’t sanction the government for incompetence though. Largely because they’re not being incompetent. As hideous as the DWP is, it’s exactly what they set it out to be.
On 4 July, several prominent journalists (and several thousand others) accused the BBC of being taken for a ride by Vote Leave. Incidents like this usually land the BBC with a complaint to deal with. And by ‘deal with’, we mean ‘reject’.
To cut down on such nuisances, the BBC has had a remarkable idea. Namely to pre-reject any and all future complaints.
Michael Wind – an executive from the BBC – explained the move:
The BBC is committed – above all things – to balance. As such, whenever we have one of these irritating complaints come in, we ask everyone in the office – ‘do you think these idiots have a point?’
Sadly for the idiots, it’s always agreed that they don’t. And there’s your balance. If everyone at our end agrees we’re right, I guess we must be?
It was then asked if this agreement only existed because BBC employees reflected a narrow range of opinions and experiences. Wind responded:
Hold on a minute, I’ll ask around.
He went to ask his colleagues if they thought this might be the case. He returned several minutes later:
No, we don’t agree with that. And we think you’re an idiot too, actually.
Auntie knows best
As you’d imagine, numerous people are now complaining about the BBC’s ‘no complaints’ policy.
The same BBC executive from earlier responded by asking:
Haven’t you idiots got anything better to do?
Part of getting older is that you stop believing in make-believe. That’s why rational adults no longer believe in:
- Santa Claus.
- The Easter Bunny.
- The idea of President ‘America First’ Trump giving us a beneficial trade deal.
It’s childish to think Trump will give us a trade deal that’s only a bit worse. His entire shtick throughout his long and inglorious career has been to screw everyone close to him. And yet:
Off The Perch called President Trump to ask him about the future trade deal. We didn’t think he’d speak to us. And yet:
Is this another one of those prank callers? Good – I’ve got some words to bigly.
For starters – can you believe these Brits? I told them they’d get a good trade deal if they didn’t cross me and kept me amused. You know what they did to keep me happy? They sent me a shaved, talking polar bear called Boris Johnson.
I DON’T LIKE POLAR BEARS! I LIKE REGULAR BEARS!
These Brits are really taking me for a ride. Unbelievable! Can you imagine treating someone so unfairly?
I myself am very fair. And I think they’ll thank me when I turn their awful excuse for a country into a golf course.
When we played Nigel Farage a recording of this diatribe, the former UKIP leader smiled and pointed at an image of the pound’s falling value. We asked him if this meant he was somehow profiting from the UK’s failure, but he dismissed that as a conspiracy theory.
And yet he does look pretty much exactly like a lizard.
by Nye Jones
Football’s coming home. The whole nation feels it. But does it actually want to?
The Canary tracked down the football in question. It’s worried:
I haven’t been home since England last won the world cup in 1966. To be honest, I don’t want to return. Since Germany won in 2014, I’ve been living in a quaint German village. As an 88 year old, I don’t want to live in a country that asset-strips the elderly and then warehouses them like second-hand furniture.
When The Canary‘s reporter mentioned Brexit, the football noticeably deflated:
England is committing economic suicide just so a bunch out of touch toffs can settle who is going to run the country into the ground next. I think I have no choice but to apply for EU citizenship. I thought I was safe when the last match went to penalties but they bloody won! On Saturday at three, I’d prefer to be hiding behind the sofa in a Sweden shirt.
The news of the interview soon filtered through to the right-wing press who were absolutely baffled about what to think. At the monthly ‘how to pretend to be for the people but actually benefit the elite’ meeting, the following conversation ensued:
We still want England to win because we are English so we like England the best.
But what if this elderly snowflake football rolls back into the country talking about the perils of Brexit? That will be a big blow to the dream of tax haven Britain.
It’s tricky. Not supporting England would be suicide, but we agree this football poses a risk. Why don’t we support the lads, and then when the football comes home, we can organise for it to be pushed into the road and hit by a car?
Then we can blame it for using up NHS and social care funding, making it seem like we care about health provision without having to challenge the real causes of underfunding!
Football’s coming home.
This means ministers have to go on national television and answer the following question:
How is this any different from just being in the EU?
Michael Gove had to answer this question on The Andrew Marr Show. He responded:
Well, we won’t have any say in the rules we’re agreeing to for a start.
“Okay,” Marr said, “now tell me how this will be better than being in the EU?”
A flustered Gove checked his notes:
The Prime Minister has informed me… that this arrangement… will be strong, white, and patriotic… to the max… on fleek… and totes amazeballs… or something…
Once he’d finished speaking, Gove followed his next instruction. This involved him doing a little jig and singing in monotone:
Brexit’s coming home.
Boris Johnson, meanwhile, was asked by Robert Peston:
So, foreign secretary, what do you like about this proposal?
“What I like is that I can’t be held accountable for it when it all goes to toffee,” Johnson answered, before guffawing in Latin. “But seriously, though, it’s a bloody good deal.”
Johnson turned to the camera and winked at this point.
“It’s such a good deal I can honestly say it’s no worse than what I would have come up with,” he added.
One group who aren’t pleased with May’s plan are the Brexit hardliners. They’re complaining, but many are saying they should stop talking down Brexit.
They won, after all.
They need to get over it.
– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.
Featured image via Diego Torres Silvestre – Flickr / ilovetheeu – Wikimedia / Chris McAndrew – Wikimedia / Olanagan – Wikimedia / Rcjewsbury – Wikimedia / Rosino – Wikimedia / YouTube / YouTube / BrexitCentral – YouTube [IMAGES WERE ALL ALTERED]