The Tories add ‘pregnant colleagues’ to the list of people they’re happy to swindle

Image of a pregnant woman with the message 'OFFICIALLY SWINDLED BY THE TORY PARTY'

The Tories have a department that’s responsible for making sure everyone knows what bastards they are. The anti-PR stunt they came up with this week was a doozy. Namely because it involved swindling a colleague on maternity leave.

Well done, Tories. Not even we predicted you sinking that low.

Scummy to mummies

An undercover reporter photographed a whiteboard at the government’s Ministry of Reputation. The board had a list of all the other ways in which the party is considering tarnishing its already toxic name:

  • Literally stealing candy from babies.
  • Installing live hedgehogs as foot scrapers at parliament.
  • Making Boris Johnson prime minister.
  • Selling the England squad to that Russian oligarch with the human zoo.
  • Erecting a statue of Margaret Thatcher forcibly snatching milk from a child.
  • Erecting a statue of David Cameron forcibly erecting a pig’s head.
  • Putting Iain Duncan Smith’s face on the new £0 note – a note that will be issued to benefit claimants in lieu of actual money.
  • Following through on the 2017 manifesto.
  • Replacing May with a cardboard cut-out of her giving the finger at Prime Minister’s Questions.
  • Anything Brexit-related – it will always make someone furious.
  • Reintroducing the Black Death to the North.

For shame

Some people have said the Tories should feel ashamed of their behaviour. The Tories replied:

Feel a what?

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