Despite having worked in Britain for 4.5 billion years, the sun has been deported by the Home Office.
A Home Office spokesperson told us:
We asked the sun if it could prove it had permission to be here. In response, the sun asked us, ‘are you fucking thick?’
Despite overwhelming evidence that the sun has been here for several million years, we’ve decided to teach the prick a lesson.
A literal dark age
The problem with deporting the sun is that the UK is actually pretty reliant on it. We can’t grow crops without its light for a start, and people are somewhat attached to the daytime.
Despite this, the government failed to plan how we’ll survive now it’s gone.
A prominent Tory backbencher has given his thoughts on the matter, though:
Get the plebs, prisoners, and pensioners out in the fields with torches. If that doesn’t get the crops going, we’ll work the beggars until they drop. Have you eaten roast pleb before? It really is quite delectable.
Dark at the end of the tunnel
Addressing the controversy, Boris Johnson said:
If the British citizenry didn’t want to live through an eternity of darkness, they wouldn’t have voted Tory in the first place.
And you can’t really argue with that, can you?
– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.
Featured image via pxhere [IMAGE WAS ALTERED]
We need your help ...
The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.
Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.
We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.
Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?