Tory MPs have given May 24 hours to defuse the Brexit mess she created. One of them figuratively threatened to stab her, which is a big no-no in politics this week:
When Jess Phillips threatens to "stab Jeremy Corbyn in the front" it's just a metaphor. When an anonymous Tory MP says the same about Theresa May it's "vile and dehumanising language". But it's definitely only a metaphor when Chuka Umunna describes Corbyn supporters as "dogs". https://t.co/5FmdBgh8JQ
— Hajo Meyer's Violin (@WarmongerHodges) October 22, 2018
Fearing disaster, May called in someone with experience of confusing situations and specific deadlines: Jack Bauer.
OTP has predicted how things will shake out:
- 0:00: May tells Bauer to produce a list of suspicious members of parliament. Following a brief Wikipedia search, he flags 95% of sitting MPs. The police lockdown parliament in response.
- 5:00: Following four hours of interviews, Bauer is yet to get a straight answer. He suspects Boris Johnson is speaking in olde English and requests a translator. While waiting, the lights turn off.
- 9:00: Bauer finds himself strapped to a table surrounded by a gaggle of masked MPs. The American agent expects to be tortured, and thinks to himself, “Oh yeah, here comes the good stuff, baby.” The MPs have little experience with non-austerity-based torture, and go at him with a stapler. After several moments of mild distress, they realise it’s out of staples.
- 11:00: Bauer restores power in parliament. He’s narrowed down the list of potential rogue MPs to mere hundreds.
- 15:00: It’s Bauer’s turn to do some torturing. Boris Johnson spills the beans, but Bauer still doesn’t know what a ‘figpiddler’ is.
- 19:00: Bauer reports to May. He walks in on her shredding Brexit impact assessments, and realises she used him as cover for this nefarious scheme.
- 21:00: Having quit the job, Bauer finds himself in a Nando’s. Through a combination of sleep deprivation, the ketamine he was injected with at one point, and his meal’s unexpected cheekiness, Bauer has a mental breakdown and goes on a rampage.
- 23:00: Bauer takes to the comment section of the Plymouth Herald to make baseless insinuations about an MP’s significant other.
- 24:00: May still doesn’t have a plan/clue/hope.
– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.