With 24 hours to defuse Brexit and MPs out to get her, May brings in Jack Bauer

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Tory MPs have given May 24 hours to defuse the Brexit mess she created. One of them figuratively threatened to stab her, which is a big no-no in politics this week:

Fearing disaster, May called in someone with experience of confusing situations and specific deadlines: Jack Bauer.


OTP has predicted how things will shake out:

Read on...

  • 0:00: May tells Bauer to produce a list of suspicious members of parliament. Following a brief Wikipedia search, he flags 95% of sitting MPs. The police lockdown parliament in response.
  • 5:00: Following four hours of interviews, Bauer is yet to get a straight answer. He suspects Boris Johnson is speaking in olde English and requests a translator. While waiting, the lights turn off.
  • 9:00: Bauer finds himself strapped to a table surrounded by a gaggle of masked MPs. The American agent expects to be tortured, and thinks to himself, “Oh yeah, here comes the good stuff, baby.” The MPs have little experience with non-austerity-based torture, and go at him with a stapler. After several moments of mild distress, they realise it’s out of staples.
  • 11:00: Bauer restores power in parliament. He’s narrowed down the list of potential rogue MPs to mere hundreds.
  • 15:00: It’s Bauer’s turn to do some torturing. Boris Johnson spills the beans, but Bauer still doesn’t know what a ‘figpiddler’ is.
  • 19:00: Bauer reports to May. He walks in on her shredding Brexit impact assessments, and realises she used him as cover for this nefarious scheme.
  • 21:00: Having quit the job, Bauer finds himself in a Nando’s. Through a combination of sleep deprivation, the ketamine he was injected with at one point, and his meal’s unexpected cheekiness, Bauer has a mental breakdown and goes on a rampage.
  • 23:00: Bauer takes to the comment section of the Plymouth Herald to make baseless insinuations about an MP’s significant other.
  • 24:00: May still doesn’t have a plan/clue/hope.

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Featured image via Maurice – Wikimedia / Friskytune – Wikimedia

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