Tory MPs have given May 24 hours to defuse the Brexit mess she created. One of them figuratively threatened to stab her, which is a big no-no in politics this week:
When Jess Phillips threatens to "stab Jeremy Corbyn in the front" it's just a metaphor. When an anonymous Tory MP says the same about Theresa May it's "vile and dehumanising language". But it's definitely only a metaphor when Chuka Umunna describes Corbyn supporters as "dogs". https://t.co/5FmdBgh8JQ
Get the news that really mattersSign me up
— Hajo Meyer's Violin (@WarmongerHodges) October 22, 2018
Fearing disaster, May called in someone with experience of confusing situations and specific deadlines: Jack Bauer.
OTP has predicted how things will shake out:
- 0:00: May tells Bauer to produce a list of suspicious members of parliament. Following a brief Wikipedia search, he flags 95% of sitting MPs. The police lockdown parliament in response.
- 5:00: Following four hours of interviews, Bauer is yet to get a straight answer. He suspects Boris Johnson is speaking in olde English and requests a translator. While waiting, the lights turn off.
- 9:00: Bauer finds himself strapped to a table surrounded by a gaggle of masked MPs. The American agent expects to be tortured, and thinks to himself, “Oh yeah, here comes the good stuff, baby.” The MPs have little experience with non-austerity-based torture, and go at him with a stapler. After several moments of mild distress, they realise it’s out of staples.
- 11:00: Bauer restores power in parliament. He’s narrowed down the list of potential rogue MPs to mere hundreds.
- 15:00: It’s Bauer’s turn to do some torturing. Boris Johnson spills the beans, but Bauer still doesn’t know what a ‘figpiddler’ is.
- 19:00: Bauer reports to May. He walks in on her shredding Brexit impact assessments, and realises she used him as cover for this nefarious scheme.
- 21:00: Having quit the job, Bauer finds himself in a Nando’s. Through a combination of sleep deprivation, the ketamine he was injected with at one point, and his meal’s unexpected cheekiness, Bauer has a mental breakdown and goes on a rampage.
- 23:00: Bauer takes to the comment section of the Plymouth Herald to make baseless insinuations about an MP’s significant other.
- 24:00: May still doesn’t have a plan/clue/hope.
– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.
Since you're here ...
We know you don't need a lecture. You wouldn't be here if you didn't care.
Now, more than ever, we need your help to challenge the rightwing press and hold power to account. Please help us survive and thrive.