Britain stockpiling clueless loudmouths in case of no-deal Brexit

Piers Morgan and Julia Hartley-Brewer
John Shafthauer

It’s predicted that no-deal Brexit could result in shortages of water/medicine/society. There’s one thing we won’t run out of, though, as we’ve been stockpiling it for decades.

That thing is prominent idiots who misunderstand important issues for money:

Failed media

The media is good because it allows the country to hear from people who actually understand things. Or it would be, if that’s how we used it. Why would we, though, when we could instead hear Julia Hartley-Brewer ridicule something she overheard two people talking about in a Waitrose queue?

It’s like encyclopaedias – the books nobody likes, because they’re filled with useful information. Imagine if we got rid of all that, and filled each one with Nigel Farage’s used toilet paper? That would be much better, and it’s why radio stations like LBC exist.

But what if we ever run out of these vital sources of hot air? Thankfully, the Brexit minister has a solution.

The twilight clones

The government took Off The Perch to a secret research facility. There, the minister showed us 80 vats – each of which contained a clone of Piers Morgan. He boasted that the clones had a combined IQ of 78.

“There’s a worry that after no-deal Brexit people might begin eating the idiots who sold them this tripe”, a government scientist told us. “That’s why we need some backups.”

Unfortunately, an accident led to the clones being defrosted. It turned out the government ‘scientists’ were all just work experience kids in lab coats. Largely because Daily Mail columnists said Britain is sick of experts, and the government hired accordingly.

Featured image via YouTube / iDominick – Wikimedia (IMAGES WERE ALTERED)

Get involved

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us
John Shafthauer