Independent Media | Campaigning Journalism
Theresa May admits using jam mould to spawn young Tory MPs
On top of everything else, it turns out that Theresa May eats mouldy jam:
In a passage which stretches the use of the word ‘good’, Mail Online reported:
It is advice which could have come from a Good Housekeeping guide
But why?
Continue reading below...
Well, it turns out it’s not about the jam at all.
Breaking the mould
It’s often been a source of mystery where young Tory MPs come from. The few that exist – like Ben Bradley here – don’t seem quite normal. They seem almost single-celled in their intelligence:
Off The Perch can now exclusively reveal that the PM has been spawning these little weirdos using her gone-off preserves. In a statement to us, May said:
And I would have got away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling twats!
We asked exactly what she would have got away with, as these mould-spawned MPs were neither use nor ornament. Her answer was pretty predictable:
Jam means jam!
In defence
Some people have defended eating this horror jam:
Unpopular opinion, but this is fine? https://t.co/JnyDsVMwd7
— Jasper Jackson (@JaspJackson) February 13, 2019
There are obviously a few problems with this line of thought:
- No it isn’t.
- If you love jam so much that you’ll poke through mould to get at it, but not so much that you’ll eat it before it sours, something has gone wrong.
- Unless you’re seven, you’re too old to be eating jam anyway. Get yourself some herring or porridge like a normal adult.
If you yourself have mouldy jam in your cupboards, do us all a favour and toss it before it evolves into the next foreign secretary.
Featured image via Chris McAndrew – Wikimedia / Chris McAndrew – Wikimedia / Sonali Thimmiah – Wikimedia (images were altered)
Get involved
- For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
Since you're here ...
We know you don't need a lecture. You wouldn't be here if you didn't care.
Now, more than ever, we need your help to challenge the rightwing press and hold power to account. Please help us survive and thrive.
Support
-
Show Comments
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to leave a comment.Join the conversationPlease read our comment moderation policy here.