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Theresa May admits using jam mould to spawn young Tory MPs
On top of everything else, it turns out that Theresa May eats mouldy jam:
In a passage which stretches the use of the word ‘good’, Mail Online reported:
It is advice which could have come from a Good Housekeeping guide
But why?
Well, it turns out it’s not about the jam at all.
Breaking the mould
It’s often been a source of mystery where young Tory MPs come from. The few that exist – like Ben Bradley here – don’t seem quite normal. They seem almost single-celled in their intelligence:
Read on...
Off The Perch can now exclusively reveal that the PM has been spawning these little weirdos using her gone-off preserves. In a statement to us, May said:
And I would have got away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling twats!
We asked exactly what she would have got away with, as these mould-spawned MPs were neither use nor ornament. Her answer was pretty predictable:
Jam means jam!
In defence
Some people have defended eating this horror jam:
Unpopular opinion, but this is fine? https://t.co/JnyDsVMwd7
— Jasper Jackson (@JaspJackson) February 13, 2019
There are obviously a few problems with this line of thought:
- No it isn’t.
- If you love jam so much that you’ll poke through mould to get at it, but not so much that you’ll eat it before it sours, something has gone wrong.
- Unless you’re seven, you’re too old to be eating jam anyway. Get yourself some herring or porridge like a normal adult.
If you yourself have mouldy jam in your cupboards, do us all a favour and toss it before it evolves into the next foreign secretary.
Featured image via Chris McAndrew – Wikimedia / Chris McAndrew – Wikimedia / Sonali Thimmiah – Wikimedia (images were altered)
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