Theresa May admits using jam mould to spawn young Tory MPs

Two young Tory MPs over an image of mould
John Shafthauer

On top of everything else, it turns out that Theresa May eats mouldy jam:

In a passage which stretches the use of the word ‘good’, Mail Online reported:

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It is advice which could have come from a Good Housekeeping guide

But why?

Well, it turns out it’s not about the jam at all.

Breaking the mould

It’s often been a source of mystery where young Tory MPs come from. The few that exist – like Ben Bradley here – don’t seem quite normal. They seem almost single-celled in their intelligence:

 

Off The Perch can now exclusively reveal that the PM has been spawning these little weirdos using her gone-off preserves. In a statement to us, May said:

And I would have got away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling twats!

We asked exactly what she would have got away with, as these mould-spawned MPs were neither use nor ornament. Her answer was pretty predictable:

Jam means jam!

In defence

Some people have defended eating this horror jam:

There are obviously a few problems with this line of thought:

  1. No it isn’t.
  2. If you love jam so much that you’ll poke through mould to get at it, but not so much that you’ll eat it before it sours, something has gone wrong.
  3. Unless you’re seven, you’re too old to be eating jam anyway. Get yourself some herring or porridge like a normal adult.

If you yourself have mouldy jam in your cupboards, do us all a favour and toss it before it evolves into the next foreign secretary.

Featured image via Chris McAndrew – WikimediaChris McAndrew – Wikimedia / Sonali Thimmiah – Wikimedia (images were altered)

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John Shafthauer