Independent Media | Campaigning Journalism
Theresa May admits using jam mould to spawn young Tory MPs
On top of everything else, it turns out that Theresa May eats mouldy jam:
In a passage which stretches the use of the word ‘good’, Mail Online reported:
It is advice which could have come from a Good Housekeeping guide
But why?
Well, it turns out it’s not about the jam at all.
Breaking the mould
It’s often been a source of mystery where young Tory MPs come from. The few that exist – like Ben Bradley here – don’t seem quite normal. They seem almost single-celled in their intelligence:
Read on...
Off The Perch can now exclusively reveal that the PM has been spawning these little weirdos using her gone-off preserves. In a statement to us, May said:
And I would have got away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling twats!
We asked exactly what she would have got away with, as these mould-spawned MPs were neither use nor ornament. Her answer was pretty predictable:
Jam means jam!
In defence
Some people have defended eating this horror jam:
Unpopular opinion, but this is fine? https://t.co/JnyDsVMwd7
— Jasper Jackson (@JaspJackson) February 13, 2019
There are obviously a few problems with this line of thought:
- No it isn’t.
- If you love jam so much that you’ll poke through mould to get at it, but not so much that you’ll eat it before it sours, something has gone wrong.
- Unless you’re seven, you’re too old to be eating jam anyway. Get yourself some herring or porridge like a normal adult.
If you yourself have mouldy jam in your cupboards, do us all a favour and toss it before it evolves into the next foreign secretary.
Featured image via Chris McAndrew – Wikimedia / Chris McAndrew – Wikimedia / Sonali Thimmiah – Wikimedia (images were altered)
Get involved
- For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
We need your help to keep speaking the truth
Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.
Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.
We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.
In return, you get:
* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop
Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.
With your help we can continue:
* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do
We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?
Support us -
Show Comments
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to leave a comment.Join the conversationPlease read our comment moderation policy here.
