Labour proposes referendum on making Olivia Colman head of state

Olivia Colman OTP
John Ranson

In a surprise move, the Labour Party is proposing another national referendum. But some critics have accused the party of “chasing popularity” after it turned out the vote will be about Olivia Colman.

Unity

Terry Chestnuts is a cultural advisor in the leader’s office. He told Off The Perch:

The country needs unifying. May couldn’t unify a glass of water, and Jeremy remains a work in progress. In the past we might have tried to rope in the Queen but, well, you know…

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So who’s a person that literally no one dislikes? No, you’re wrong. It isn’t David Attenborough; some people feel guilty when he speaks. It’s Olivia Colman of course. We did some research and we couldn’t find any example anywhere in the entire world of anyone saying anything even slightly negative about her. It’s extraordinary.

Options

The details of the referendum, Chestnuts explained, will have to be thrashed out by parliament. Possible voting options include:

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  • Olivia Colman to be made Queen on the death of the current Queen.
  • Olivia Colman to be made symbolic head of state (the ‘Irish Option’).
  • No Olivia Colman deal.
  • Olivia Colman to be allowed to do whatever she wants (the ‘Trump Option’).
  • Olivia Colman to remain first choice for all funny / serious / dramatic / light / pregnant acting roles.
Criticism

The move has faced opposition. Ken Chisel, from the Institute of Criticism, says referendums aren’t always the answer:

It’s a very blunt tool. At some point, all these possible questions will have to be narrowed down to some sort of yes or no binary choice. But it’s bound to leave some people dissatisfied. I mean no one’s going to say no to Olivia Colman, but what if they want her to both run the country and carry on acting? This could end up fracturing the electorate in unforeseen ways. There’s a strong argument in favour of Labour simply waiting until they’re in power and then installing Colman in some kind of role.

Olivia Colman was unavailable for comment, her agent describing her as “absolutely banjaxed”.

Featured image via YouTube – ABC

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John Ranson