Johnson agrees to be chlorine washed to prove American chicken ‘standards’

Naked Boris Johnson in a chicken pen
John Shafthauer


With Brexit looming, Britain may soon be importing lower quality meats from America – a move which will really show those EU slugs who’s boss. The most notable addition to our menus will be chlorinated chickens. One MP who’s in favour of these ultra-clean birds is Boris Johnson. To prove how much, he agreed to be chlorine washed himself.

Bleached Boris

Speaking before the hosing, Johnson said:

If chlorine is good enough to rid our pools of child widdle, I think we can trust it to un-foul our fowl.

The former foreign secretary then stripped all of his clothes off and entered the dousing room.

“You see!” he said cheerfully, as jets of mildly toxic water rippled his flesh. “Nothing to worry about here!”

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Despite seeming like a grand gesture, it’s been alleged that Johnson has some experience with this sort of thing. According to one former aide, the MP washes with chlorine every day to, “wash the smell of commoners off”. This is supposedly why his hair looks like that, and also why he reminds people of a verruca.

CFQ

As a real test, Johnson was asked to eat some chlorinated chicken. He refused this point blank, saying:

I’m more of a CFG chap than a KFC man.

After looking it up, we discovered that ‘CFG’ stood for ‘Cambridge Flambéd Goose’. Notably, it uses ‘hand-reared, caviar fed geese’ – suggesting this chlorinated chicken issue won’t actually affect the people pushing for it.

Featured image via Dianna Bonner – Wikimedia / Javier Ignacio Acuna Ditzel – Flickr / Sylvia Duckworth – Wikimedia

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