Independent Media | Campaigning Journalism
Johnson agrees to be chlorine washed to prove American chicken ‘standards’
With Brexit looming, Britain may soon be importing lower quality meats from America – a move which will really show those EU slugs who’s boss. The most notable addition to our menus will be chlorinated chickens. One MP who’s in favour of these ultra-clean birds is Boris Johnson. To prove how much, he agreed to be chlorine washed himself.
Bleached Boris
Speaking before the hosing, Johnson said:
If chlorine is good enough to rid our pools of child widdle, I think we can trust it to un-foul our fowl.
The former foreign secretary then stripped all of his clothes off and entered the dousing room.
“You see!” he said cheerfully, as jets of mildly toxic water rippled his flesh. “Nothing to worry about here!”
Despite seeming like a grand gesture, it’s been alleged that Johnson has some experience with this sort of thing. According to one former aide, the MP washes with chlorine every day to, “wash the smell of commoners off”. This is supposedly why his hair looks like that, and also why he reminds people of a verruca.
CFQ
As a real test, Johnson was asked to eat some chlorinated chicken. He refused this point blank, saying:
Read on...
I’m more of a CFG chap than a KFC man.
After looking it up, we discovered that ‘CFG’ stood for ‘Cambridge Flambéd Goose’. Notably, it uses ‘hand-reared, caviar fed geese’ – suggesting this chlorinated chicken issue won’t actually affect the people pushing for it.
Featured image via Dianna Bonner – Wikimedia / Javier Ignacio Acuna Ditzel – Flickr / Sylvia Duckworth – Wikimedia
Get involved
- For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
We need your help to keep speaking the truth
Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.
Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.
We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.
In return, you get:
* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop
Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.
With your help we can continue:
* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do
We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?
Support us -
Show Comments
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to leave a comment.Join the conversationPlease read our comment moderation policy here.
The only answer to this garbage is simply don’t buy it, if it says no country of origin, which would be a good sign it is garbage leave it where it is.
“the MP washes with chlorine every day”
Well there’s chlorine in tap water you know. Do all you posh Corbynites use Evian?