It’s been a rough time for the Tories. Their leader has no idea what she’s doing; the cabinet is divided; the backbenchers have gone feral; and the membership is increasingly just Nigel Farage with a series of fake moustaches.
So could this be it for the party?
Perhaps not, as billionaire cockroach-capitalist Mike Ashley has expressed an interest in buying it.
Ashley is known for bailing out failing businesses (and treating his employees like Victorian child labourers). He told Off The Perch:
I don’t know how it’s gone so badly for them. They could be raking it in – all they have to do is lower the highest tax rates and cream off the donations. Instead, they’ve turned Brexit into a weird death cult and gone around torturing disabled people.
There’s gonna be a lot of layoffs. The PM; the cabinet; the MPs – all fucking useless. I’ve spoken to my team, and they reckon we can replace the lot with an alarm clock that goes off once a year and reminds some civil servant to lower taxes.
Of course, there’s more to politics than just implementing policy. When asked how the Tories would fight elections with no physical politicians, Ashley answered:
We’ll let the mainstream media worry about that.
Featured image via YouTube
We need your help to keep speaking the truth
Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.
Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.
We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.
In return, you get:
* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop
Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.
With your help we can continue:
* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do
We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?