Nasty piece of work sad she won’t get paid to ruin lives anymore

Images of May crying with the text 'FEELS SORRY FOR SELF' written over it
John Shafthauer

Our useless prime minister has now retired in a fit of disgrace and failure. In her speech, May didn’t have any tears for the people she’d harmed; but she did have tears for herself. And wouldn’t you? You know – if you loved ruining people’s lives, and you’d spent your career getting paid to do it?

In a bit

Speaking outside 10 Downing Street, May said:

Let me be clear – I hate every single one of you fuckers. You’re laughing, but I’m not joking. Just look at my record. My only regret is I didn’t drive more of you into the grave before I fucked it all up.

The resigning PM began crying at this point, but stubbornly carried on:

It’s just so unfair. Do you know how much I love hating you? Obviously you don’t, because you don’t have thoughts or feelings – you’re all just massive rats in sports hoodies. That’s partially why I hate you so much.

Appealing / appalling

Getting a hold of herself, May finished with a plea:

Surely there’s a role for me in the private sector? Maybe Virgin Rail needs a new director of passenger misery, or Sports Direct requires a head of employee whipping? Please – if someone doesn’t employ me, I’ll be forced to spread misery pro bono, and there’s very little money in that!

May then left to a chorus of establishment figures saying things like:

That was heartbreaking.

They had a lot of empathy saved up, of course, having wasted little on May’s victims.

Featured image via YouTube

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John Shafthauer