Nasty piece of work sad she won’t get paid to ruin lives anymore

Images of May crying with the text 'FEELS SORRY FOR SELF' written over it
Support us and go ad-free

Our useless prime minister has now retired in a fit of disgrace and failure. In her speech, May didn’t have any tears for the people she’d harmed; but she did have tears for herself. And wouldn’t you? You know – if you loved ruining people’s lives, and you’d spent your career getting paid to do it?

In a bit

Speaking outside 10 Downing Street, May said:

Let me be clear – I hate every single one of you fuckers. You’re laughing, but I’m not joking. Just look at my record. My only regret is I didn’t drive more of you into the grave before I fucked it all up.

The resigning PM began crying at this point, but stubbornly carried on:

It’s just so unfair. Do you know how much I love hating you? Obviously you don’t, because you don’t have thoughts or feelings – you’re all just massive rats in sports hoodies. That’s partially why I hate you so much.

Appealing / appalling

Getting a hold of herself, May finished with a plea:

Surely there’s a role for me in the private sector? Maybe Virgin Rail needs a new director of passenger misery, or Sports Direct requires a head of employee whipping? Please – if someone doesn’t employ me, I’ll be forced to spread misery pro bono, and there’s very little money in that!

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

May then left to a chorus of establishment figures saying things like:

That was heartbreaking.

They had a lot of empathy saved up, of course, having wasted little on May’s victims.

Featured image via YouTube

Support us and go ad-free

Get involved

Do your bit for independent journalism

Did you know that less than 1.5% of our readers contribute financially to The Canary? Imagine what we could do if just a few more people joined our movement to achieve a shared vision of a free and fair society where we nurture people and planet.

We need you to help out, if you can.

When you give a monthly amount to fund our work, you are supporting truly independent journalism. We hold power to account and have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence the counterpoint to the mainstream.

You can count on us for rigorous journalism and fearless opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right wing mainstream media.

In return you get:

  • Advert free reading experience
  • Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
  • 20% discount from our shop


The Canary Fund us