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Johnson flinging his own faeces at journalists plays well with Tory members

Boris Johnson with a turd in each hand asking "Do you want my foreign policy first or my Brexit policy?"

After years of unofficially positioning himself to become PM, Boris Johnson has now launched his actual campaign. Surprisingly, it was less ape-like than we might have expected at this point. He did literally hurl his own shit, but he refrained from doing a King Kong at least.

Same shit, different day

Johnson called a press conference to announce his leadership run. When asked if he stood by his awful comments about that terrible thing which he did, he answered:

OOK! OOK!

He then proceeded to shit in his own hand and launch his turds like smelly cricket balls. The press had come prepared for this, as they’d all covered Boris before. As such, the man’s political nuggets bounced harmlessly off their umbrellas.

Johnson wasn’t finished there, though. When asked to elaborate on his “total lack of a Brexit plan”, the would-be PM said:

JOHNSON SMASH!

He then spent the next five minutes wrestling with a cardboard cut-out of Jean-Claude Juncker – a pantomime that ended with him urinating on the cut-out like a mad wolf – his supporters cheering all the while.

Read on...

The bottom of the barrel

As a literal ape man, Johnson knows a little something about climbing his way to the top. He hasn’t had to climb very far, of course, because this is how low the bar is set:

Featured image via Wikimedia – Bundesministerium für Europa, Integration und Äußeres / pixabay

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