Tory leadership hopefuls exceed everyone’s expectations

The five Tory leadership candidates - someone watching says: "Oh god, they're somehow even worse than expected!"
John Shafthauer

Everyone knew this Tory leadership competition would be a shitshow. Surprisingly, it’s somehow even shittier than suspected. As such, our next PM will likely be worse than Cameron and May combined.

Great debate

The ‘debate’ began with a question for front-runner Boris Johnson.

“Hang on a minute,” he said, looking at his phone.

A photograph later revealed that Johnson was browsing a site called JugsTube – his fingers covered in what appeared to be fried chicken grease.

“What was the question again?” he asked eventually, before mumbling something about the Boer War.

Gove went next, saying:

Michael Gove is the real challenger in this race. Michael Gove is the one Jeremy Corbyn fears. Michael Gove has the plums! Behold the plums of Gove!

While this went on, Sajid Javid and Jeremy Hunt argued over who was the most forgettable. No one remembers who won. Rory Stewart, meanwhile, sighed and shook his head – pretending to be surprised that his colleagues of over ten years are all total, fucking idiots.

No hopers

If we were having a general election, it’s clear that every last one of these dopes would crash and burn. In other words, let’s push for a general election.

Featured image via YouTube – Guardian News

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