After gleefully kicking Dodgy Dave out of 10 Downing Street, Theresa May didn’t waste any time in stepping up her plans for resurrecting British colonialism. Her method? A quite incredible feat of international ingenuity.
Having triumphed over leadership rival Michael Gove – Secretary of Education, Backstabbing, and Justice, May finally put him out of his incompetent ministerial misery for good.
But we were foolish if we thought that was the last we’d seen of him.
The most horrible kiss of life the world’s been unlucky enough to witness
In a report released this week by the formerly renowned investigative magazine Slee P.I., the world witnessed the miraculous resurrection of the Conservatives’ most recent backstabber-in-chief. Slee P.I., which has been suffering from the slow death of print media in the last few years and frankly had nothing better to do than look through Gove’s rubbish bins, reported:
In the run-up to July’s EU referendum, Brexit leaders portrayed themselves as men of the people railing against the establishment. Michael Gove was at the forefront, slamming “elitist” economists and world leaders for raising the prospect of a potential post-Brexit crisis. He also famously said “I think the people in this country have had enough of experts”.
Full of made-up claims and empty promises aimed at swaying voters on the fence through fear and misinformation, leading Brexit campaingers were accused of bringing “post-truth politics” to Britain. But the truth is this had all been carefully planned over a year before, in June 2015, by then Home Secretary Theresa May. Aware of Michael Gove’s capacity for spouting utter rubbish, May launched a secret plan to ‘Make the World British Again’.
May’s ingenious plan was to fuel the global growth and popularity of pathological lying. The aim? To make herself look like a safe pair of hands in comparison, allowing her to become prime minister and resurrect the British Empire in her image.
To implement this plan, May extracted Gove’s bullsh*t-producing essence by putting him on a treadmill and getting him to make policy proposals at the same time. Private pharmaceutical experts then used Gove’s twaddle-rich sweat to create a highly contagious disease they named ‘Govirus’. When contracted by other humans, this virus would cause vocal convulsions and the involuntary release of misrepresented statistics, mythical untruths, and slanderous insults. The virus spreads via people’s ears.
The implementation of a dastardly plan
Having won the 2015 general election, the Conservatives could now unleash their true nature. But they still wanted to do it without being seen for what they were. And May stepped up, promising to protect her colleagues without revealing how.
May’s plan was to distract British and global citizens from what her party was doing. In the UK, she injected the Govirus into right-wing members of the Parliamentary Labour Party (PLP), hoping that they would destroy their own party from within. And while the election of Jeremy Corbyn as Labour leader was a slight setback, the Govirus-infected PLP members attacked him so May didn’t have to.
In the USA, meanwhile, May had eccentric billionaire Donald Trump injected with the Govirus. And despite the resulting lies and sexist, racist and authoritarian revelations, people lapped it all up. So much so that Trump has just been crowned as the Republican presidential nominee at what comedian John Oliver recently called “a four-day exercise in emphasising feelings over facts”. Oliver showed clips of Trump cheerleaders saying things like:
- “I don’t believe the guy’s a Christian” (referring to President Obama).
- “The whole economy feels stuck.”
- “Liberals have a whole set of statistics which theoretically may be right, but it’s not where human beings are.“
In short, feelings had trumped facts – in every sense of the word. And this assault on the truth was at the very heart of May’s sinister international campaign.
Insiders’ delight over the Govirus
Frank Lee-Bull, Off the Perch‘s unwanted resident right-winger, rustled around in his gold-leafed contact book and got in touch with a couple of Conservative insiders to speak about the Govirus revelations. One new Tory frontbencher told him:
Perception’s everything, my old chap. If we could make Osborne look like he wasn’t tanked up on narcotics and Hunt look like a human being, we knew we were onto a winning formula. And now, if this Govirus keeps bumbling its way around the globe, we’ll soon be able to reconquer our misplaced imperial gems.
The project’s in full swing. Trump was just an ordinary person like you and I, Frank, counting his stacks of cash and smoking Dodo-bone cigars. But once we injected him with the Govirus, the verbal diarrhoea just erupted from his tiny mouth and people lapped it up. It was marvellous. Quite the sight, I must say.
Frank described his contacts as “visibly orgasmic with glee” about their Govirus. But when he reported back to Off the Perch, we began to suspect that he himself was under its influence:
The ‘facts’ of today? Absolute piffle. The creation of some secretive socialist spin doctor sitting in a dark, smoky room somewhere in Soho. The scourge of British democracy! When did freedom die, I say? When did our precious right to speak our minds become such a crime?
If I believe Theresa May and Her Majesty the Queen have been chosen to rule over us by God, why should the heathen media tell me I’m wrong? And if I feel that Jeremy Corbyn is in fact an illegal alien who’s just been masquerading as an unwashed hippy for the last four decades, so what? That’s my own personal truth. And that should be respected.
Off the Perch accompanied Frank to a local hospital after this report. But the Govirus is still at large. If you think someone you know may be infected, please seek help immediately. And remember to cover your ears!
See the Govirus in full flow at the Republican National Convention in the USA here:
Featured image via Public Domain Pictures / Flickr