The new £5 note has been out for nearly a week now and has already managed to encapsulate the UK’s post-Brexit spirit – mainly by being a bit smaller than the old one and having the populist racist Winston Churchill plastered all over it.
But is the new note really up to sniff? Or should that be snuff?
Regardless of how you pronounce it, we had one of the UK’s most experienced £5 note users come in to review it for us – namely George Osborne (although we should warn you that he did only agree to it because he’s re-launching his political career and is desperate for the publicity):
Let me start off by saying this new £5 note is plastic-fantastic! The proof is in the pudding, though (or in this case, the sherbet).
Now I’m sure that many of you enjoy a bit of sherbet, but are unhappy with the straws that the sherbet companies provide. The pro-sherbet user, however, understands that you can make your own straw by rolling up a £5 note.
And also by snorting it through your nose to get the fastest hit.
Let me just demonstrate that for you.
*LOUDLY INHALES SHERBET*
Man, that’s some good sherbet.
The other thing I love is that one of the best Tories ever is on it. Although Winston Churchill is documented to have either supported or implemented chemical weapons, concentration camps, the starvation of millions of Indians, and a desire to sterilise the poor, he cunningly did so at a time when several world leaders were actually a little bit worse than that.
This allowed him to get away with murder. Like, literally, murder. And also a bit of off-the-cuff genocide, too. Can you imagine trying to get that past the social justice warriors in 2016? You can’t slay anything these days.
Can I talk about my plans to fight for the Northern Powerhouse now? I know that it seemed like I would never actually implement it and that the idea was dead on its arse, but – you know – just pretend that you don’t know that. Because if these northerners allow me to use them as my political football, I can chirp away at the sidelines for the next four years, and eventually become the next Prime Minister of Poundland.
Oh sh*t – did I just say what I mean or mean what I say?
And are either of those what I think I meant to mean?
Oh, man – I really need to lay off the sherbet.
Just as soon as I’ve done this last bag.
*LOUDLY SNORTS MORE SHERBET*
Osborne ultimately decreed that the new note was “ten-out-of-f*cking-ten”, before grabbing our reporter by the scruff of her cardigan and shouting “I AM THE LIZARD KING!”
Which is possibly the most genuine thing he’s ever said, if not a little bit insulting to cold-blooded reptiles everywhere.
Featured image via John Shafthauer / Youtube