Tories to solve tuition fee problem by just banning poor students outright

The government has admitted that tuition fees are disproportionately affecting lower-income students. And yet, despite the Tories’ best efforts, these poorer students are still enrolling.

As such, the Tories have been forced to “ban the plebs altogether”.

Hard lessons

A Tory education minister told Off The Perch:

Teach a person some dubious statistics, and there’s a good chance they’ll vote for us. Teach them how to think independently, though, and they’ll never vote Tory again.

This means that mass education is very bad for us. We tried discouraging the poor from enrolling with exorbitant fees, but they just signed up anyway.

It’s almost like they’re eager to learn and better themselves. Although I suppose that makes sense as, unlike us, these people aren’t born perfect.

The minister then excused himself to go and help Boris Johnson, who had allegedly got his arm stuck in a vending machine. Again.

We don’t need no…

Of course, there are some instances in which commoners need to be educated. You wouldn’t want the IT technician who wipes your browsing history to be an ignoramus, for instance.

As such, the government has proposed the following educational alternatives:

• Pay as You Go Learning – basically using catchy branding to make people pay for their own on-the-job training.
• Cigarette Learning – with lesson plans for bachelor degrees being given out with fag packets. Although it’s unlikely that anyone other than 40-a-day smokers will ever complete a course, as material from a variety of subjects would be disseminated randomly.
• Matrix Learning – with information being uploaded straight into people’s brains. This has been put on hold, though, as it turned out it’s not as simple as sticking a USB cable in someone’s ear.

Reverse engineering

It shouldn’t be too hard for the Tories to work out what went wrong with tuition fees. They’re the ones who made such a mess of it, after all; and logically, they just need to work backwards…

Ideally to when they weren’t in power.

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Featured image via Wikipedia – Cumminsr (image was altered)