Confused negotiator demands opponents tell her what she wants

Theresa May looking increasingly weird during her Brexit speech
Support us and go ad-free

After two long years of “Brexit means Brexit”, Theresa May has had to present her plan to the EU. As said plan was already known to be unworkable, it was ridiculed. In response, May demanded the EU come up with something better.

Speech in full

There were several highlights to May’s speech, including:

We will not accept a hard border in Ireland! We also won’t accept losing all the benefits of having no border! You’ve had two years to invent magic and reconcile these demands; where’s my unicorn!?

May also said:

I’ve worked 48 hours a day on Brexit for two years, and you have the gall to tell me my plan reads like ‘the incoherent scribblings of a feverish gibbon’!?

This statement was somewhat undermined by the fact she’d just returned from an eight-week holiday. It was also pointed out that most of the work she’s done on Brexit involved sitting beneath her desk and rocking back and forth.

Respect

May also claimed:

Read on...

No one told me this plan wouldn’t work! I mean – people kept saying I was a ‘no-nothing clown with an arse-headed strategy’ – but people are always saying that! How am I supposed to know when to listen!?

At several points in the speech, May demanded:

You must show me respect! Do you know how much courage it takes to get up every day and systematically humiliate yourself like this!? I’m the most hard-working laughing-stock in the world!

No one could argue with this. Not that she deserved respect, as obviously she doesn’t. Just that she’s weirdly committed to disgracing herself.

All’s well 

The speech ended with May saying:

If you won’t accept this plan we’ve spent two years cobbling together, then you must invest time and resources proposing something better! Something that satisfies all of our conflicting demands! Something that – if anything – gives us a better deal than before!

May then held both fists up and growled:

Or else!

The tabloids, which are run by the most idiotic people in Britain, went wild:

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via YouTube [IMAGE WAS ALTERED]

We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support

The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.

The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.

So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.

Support us

Comments are closed