The week in satire Vol. #117

And what a week it was!

A week in which people voted in the local elections! Or a week in which some people voted in the local elections! How many turned out in the end – about 30%? People in this country are really fucked off, aren’t they…

But what else happened?

Let’s look back and see:

Tories announce plans to lose the local elections less badly

by John Shafthauer

The Tories have fucked it. The leadership doesn’t have a clue; the members hate the leadership, and the donors don’t know what they’re paying for anymore. Despite that, the party has to stand in elections still. Or does it?

The Tories’ 2019 local election campaign suggests they’ve all just gone into hiding.

Heads in the sand

The problem with Tory activists going door-to-door is that people live behind those doors. Many voters have questions like:

What the fuck are you idiots doing about Brexit?
So austerity – that was all bollocks, wasn’t it. How are you going to give us back the last ten years?
Are you clowns going to ignore climate change right up until the point when it’s too late, or will you ignore it after that, too?

The Tories have a plan to avoid all this. They’re going to hide. So keep an eye out, because soon-to-be ex-councillors are out there. Maybe you’ll see one in the undergrowth. Maybe you’ll see another clinging to the bottom of a milk float. Possibly you won’t see any, because they’ve all joined Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party.

All bad things

The problem with Toryism is that eventually you run out of people to blame. Pointing at the economy and shouting “Labour dunnit” ceases to work when you’ve been in power for a decade. Especially when things have only got worse.

Think about it. Can you even remember the last time you saw Theresa May?

I can.

She was clinging to the bottom of a local milk float.

Man approaching death unphased by climate collapse for some reason

by John Shafthauer

The BBC hasn’t decided if it should be bothered about the imminent extinction of all life on the planet yet. Or parts of it haven’t, anyway. Some presenters, like John Humphrys, clearly just couldn’t give a shit:

The @Ed_Miliband interview on climate change on @BBCr4today another example of why time for John Humphrys to go. Constant interruptions, dogmatic and deeply ill-informed. Added nothing to understanding of issues – just ignorance in face of coming disaster.

— Robin Hawkes (@RobinHawkes1) April 30, 2019

But why? Why would a man in his later years not care about an issue that won’t significantly ramp up until after he’s already dead?

It’s a mystery.

No it isn’t

Of course, simply being in one’s twilight years doesn’t mean you have to stop caring. You also have to be a real piece of shit. Or an idiot.

Some lucky people are all three.

A spokesperson for the BBC explained:

Look – it’s about balance. On the one hand, we have people who want our species to survive. On the other, there’s a bunch of poisonous knuckleheads who’d rather the world burn than they have to spend a second working in solidarity with others.

A BBC insider added:

We’re still not convinced climate change is a serious issue. Surely we’d be taking it seriously if it was?

Garbage

The BBC’s handling of climate change raises a few important questions, like:

Why are you still paying your license fee?
Does the Beeb have some sort of minimum stupidity level for its presenters?

Unfortunately, the broadcaster does still ‘inform’ a great many Britons. As such, its woeful coverage needs pointing out.

Brits looking forward to voting any way but Tory

by John Shafthauer

The Tories have been in power for nearly a decade. Since then, the country’s gone to hell in a golf cart. Everything is just worse now. But there is one thing to be thankful for. Every so often, we get to vote. And in today’s local elections, people seem ready to vote any way but Tory.

Fuck ‘em

One voter told us:

As a worker on a zero-hours contract, I want my local Tory councillors to know what precarious employment feels like. No, that’s a lie, actually. I want them to know what unemployment feels like. Then I want them to experience the nightmare of Universal Credit. And then I hope a tiger eats them.

That last one might be a bit unrealistic, but a girl can dream.

Another voter said:

I won’t be voting for those treacherous shits again!

The man told us this despite being a Tory councillor himself. When questioned on that, he replied:

Exactly! That’s how I know what absolute, fucking weasels they are! They’re like a sack of drowning rats but without the shared goals.

Several other voters just did a little dance.

Fuck ‘em all

Of course, some people will vote Tory in the local elections. Even the rich and the selfish need their bins picking up.

‘Milkshaking’ Tommy Robinson replaces football as the national pastime

by John Shafthauer

For the second time in as many days, Stephen Yaxley Lennon -aka Tommy Robinson – has had a milkshake thrown at him. The second one hit. But it did more than just that. It brought together a fractured nation, as people looked at the tiny, milk-covered bigot and thought:

Yes. This is it. This is the British culture UKIP says doesn’t exist anymore.

As such, ‘milkshaking the fash’ is set to become the new national pastime.

https://twitter.com/AzTheBaz/status/1123977592363732992

Fash free milk

Several fast food chains are now offering a discount on milkshakes. As said chains are themselves quite terrible, this is probably more of a marketing ploy than anything.

The fash are complaining that hurling shakes at them makes them look stupid. This isn’t true. It’s their incredibly vocal opinions that make them look stupid. The drinks simply cover them in milk.

Some people worried that tossing thick beverages at thick bigots makes you as bad as the fascists. And this might be true. Because who could forget when the Nazis lined their enemies up and subjected them to mild humiliation by milkshake? No one, that’s who.

Tradition

Commentators predict the custom could eventually become the new Guy Fawkes night. In the future, children will toss milkshakes at angry dolls to remember when bigots roamed the nation.

Hopefully, that fash-free future comes sooner rather than later.

Local elections with 30% turnout prove Brexit should be harder/cancelled

by John Shafthauer

There are a few things you can say clearly about the local elections. The Tories lost big. Labour lost a little. The Lib Dems, Greens, and others cleaned up.

There’s something else you can say. Voter turnout was incredibly low. As such, it’s difficult to say what these elections mean. Unless you run a national newspaper, in which case you can say whatever you like:

Same election, same headline, two newspapers hearing diametrically opposed Brexit message pic.twitter.com/7gLK8WQwDV

— Robert Peston (@Peston) May 3, 2019

Fresh fuckery

Lord Remain argued:

Look, obviously the country wants to reverse Brexit – especially the 70% of people who didn’t vote. Ignore the upcoming European Elections – even if the Brexit Party cleans up as predicted. That election only affects who we send to the EU parliament. The real test was always the vote which determines the frequency of bin collections.

Baroness Brexit countered:

Look, obviously this means voters want the hardest of hard Brexits. Ignore the fact people are voting Lib Dem again. Many of the voters they inflicted austerity upon are dead now, so obviously their vote share would go up a little bit.

The most important thing is how many people didn’t vote. Why is that? BECAUSE EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS NOW IS BREXIT!