Tories demand firm response to Russians* (*who they haven’t taken money from)

As Russia once more seems to have poisoned someone on British soil, politicians are demanding some sort of political action. Unless that action involves returning donations to wealthy Russian oligarchs, of course – a suggestion from Jeremy Corbyn which is just ‘playing politics’.

And after all, politicians discussing politics in the Houses of Parliament simply isn’t cricket.

From Russia with no expectation of anything in return

Several Tories have taken money from Russian oligarchs – money which they’re refusing to give back.

Theresa May gave a speech about why this is okay:

Russia is bad, and we must stand up to it disrupting UK politics!

May then looked alarmed, as she realised she was reading from the wrong speech.

Sorry about that. What I meant to say is that Russians are good, and we must stand up to anyone who says they’re giving us money to disrupt UK politics!

Deadline

Theresa May has given Russia a 36-hour deadline to explain what it’s been up to. A leaked copy of the speech she will give reads as follows:

I was very clear about giving a deadline, and that deadline has now passed. To clarify, a deadline was given under threat of some sort of response, and I am now here to discuss that. As such, no one can say that I did not discuss a response at the time when I said a response would be discussed.

To sum up: deadline means deadline.

It’s likely that the politicians who are currently criticising Corbyn’s lack of a ‘firm response’ will be the first to say fuck all when they hear May’s speech.

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Featured image via The Kremlin