It was the 50th anniversary of Gene Roddenberry’s Star Trek this week and, coincidentally, a freedom-of-information request has unearthed Margaret Thatcher’s plans for a rival TV show called Space Crusade.
Allegedly, in the final days of Thatcher’s premiership – when paranoia was high and purpose was low – the PM happened to catch an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and was more horrified by it than the time she thought a homeless gentleman had broken into parliament.
Is what she shouted at the television – shortly before grabbing her notepad and drafting some ideas for a sci-fi programme that would embody her beloved right-wing ideology.
The following is a list of said ideas:
- That ship looks rather expensive. I’m assured by my good friends at Northern Rail that thanks to the wonderfully progressive powers of privatisation they’ll still be able to run the same rail shuttles in 2016 that they’re running now. With that in mind, I don’t see why we can’t use those exact same trains as spaceships in 300 years time? One would simply have to tape some rocket boosters to the sides of them, I’m sure. Although obviously we’d have to increase the fares quite a bit – running the same vehicle for several centuries doesn’t pay for itself.
- Are they all living on the ship? Seems like social-bloody-housing to me – shouldn’t we have sold all that off by then? Really, those apartments should be the property of wealthy aliens, and the crew should be hanging on to the outside of the ship like barnacles.
- The replicators appear to be giving out free milk. Just… I mean… have I really had so little influence on society that people still think sharing and cooperation are okay!? Good grief! I’m happy for the replicators to give something out for free, but only if what they’re dispensing is a righteous kick up the backside! Although saying that, they should also charge for said kick, and all of the profits should go to the ship’s shareholders. That’ll teach the damn free-loading workers a lesson – always expecting something for nothing!
- Why are they fighting the Romulans when they could be selling them cosmic torpedoes?
- That Geordi fellow is very suspicious. I can’t help but feel that he may be involved with what Oliver would describe as the “disco and drugs” trade on the side. Of course, the lefties would suggest saying that isn’t politically correct. Tosh!
- What’s this Prime Directive nonsense? How are you supposed to help an alien civilisation to give you all of their precious minerals when you can’t directly engage with them?
- The captain isn’t fooling me. To boldly go? More like to baldly go!
- Wesley Crusher’s jumpers, though… Yes – I do believe I’ll have a bit of that. Excellent stuff. Well done that boy!
Although Thatcher’s eventual dethroning prevented her from making Space Crusade a reality, we may one day get to see her vision come to life – that is of course if the Tories can stay in power for that long.
And they bother to invest in a space programme.
And the planet doesn’t catch fire first.
So probably not then, actually.
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