Skywriters all over the UK have taken to the skies this morning to honour the passing of David Cameron’s political career – namely by writing his achievements in smoke.
In fact, there are so many skywriters taking part that no matter where you are in Britain, you should be able to see their work.
Just go to your window and look now.
Can you see them?
Can you see the list of all his f*cking achievements?
Gasp at how comprehensive it is.
Jokes aside, the man did actually achieve a few things, and this is a list of all of them:
- Reminded everyone about the weird and perverse horrors that exist within the British upper classes.
- Managed to create a stronger case for Scottish independence than Alex Salmond, Nicola Sturgeon, and North Sea Oil combined.
- Drew attention to the plight of severed pigs’ heads.
- Made everyone take UK debt more seriously – primarily by doubling it.
- Reduced obesity by promoting the homeless lifestyle.
- Solved the situation in Syria by bombing some empty fields that Russia had already bombed – a solution which seems so obvious now that we look back at it.
- Neutralised the Liberal Democrats with Operation Sh*tshield – a scheme which involved strapping Nick Clegg to the bonnet of their most unpopular policies, and then driving him through the political carwash of diarrhoea.
- Did his bit for tax avoidance. Which is to say that he allowed it to carry on happening, as opposed to saying that he opposed it.
- Maybe wasn’t as bad as Thatcher? Although this wasn’t for a lack of trying, as in the man’s final year he had more turnarounds than a drunken rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart.
- Contributed to tolerance and understanding by employing (maybe, just maybe – who knows?) the UK’s first drug addict Chancellor.
But his failure to win the EU argument means that David Cameron will go down in history as one of our worst prime ministers ever. People who like accuracy should at least find solace in the fact that he actually, most-definitely was.
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