Theresa May considering becoming a politician

Support us and go ad-free

Several weeks ago, people were surprised when Theresa May ruled out appearing in the TV leaders’ debate. Several weeks later, people understood completely. Because she isn’t really a politician. She’s just some person with an adequate ability to remember slogans and a sub-optimal skill at delivering them.

But although she didn’t turn up, May did watch the debate at home. And it’s inspired her to make a move into politics.

A new line of work

Off The Perch caught up with May at one of those many un-managed interviews she’s been holding (lol!). She told us:

Watching people like Jeremy Corbyn and Caroline Lucas has really given me a fresh perspective. I was told that under no circumstances should I ever answer a question. But now, I realise that if you actually give an answer, people stop looking at you as if you were some sort of hideous space beetle masquerading as a human being.

I’ve also seen that it’s possible to talk in sentences rather than slogans. Take ‘Brexit means Brexit’, for example. Sure it sounds clever, but the problem is that I have no idea what ‘Brexit’ actually means. So every time I’ve said ‘Brexit means Brexit’, I might as well have been muttering ‘thingymebob means shit-err-what?’

Problems

The problem with May thinking she could just talk freely was quickly exposed, however. As saying what she meant involved admitting how horrendous her Tory policies are. Which is why she told the journalists in attendance:

NHS means ‘National Hell Service’. Education means keeping enough of you in the dark for us to carry on getting away with it. Fox hunting means communally tearing animals to shreds as a means of normalising and bolstering the lack of empathy that is necessary for us to operate. Brexit means Boris Johnson. Dementia means bye-bye life savings. Strong and stable means tossing police officers, firefighters, and soldiers out on their arses. Defence means bombing countries a bit and then leaving them to it. Tackling national debt means increasing national debt. Pro-business means anti-employee. Strong and stable means getting away with murder because the gutter press hides the bodies. And Brexit also means 1984.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

And seven years of it so far means you’ve no right to complain if you vote us back in. Thank you very much. Vote Tory!

Her speech went badly of course, but only about as badly as the rest of her terrible speeches.

Get Involved!

– Go out and vote on 8 June.

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via YouTube

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed