‘What have firefighters done for us lately?’ asks shameless, austerity-pushing failure

Cameron firefighters OTP
Support us and go ad-free

Emergency service staff are increasingly famous for getting the job done despite all the odds being stacked against them. David Cameron, meanwhile, is famous for having fucked everything up despite being the person who stacked those odds.

This is why some people were surprised to see him call the emergency services “selfish”. Because following years of austerity, our firefighters and nurses are basically like the Avengers at the end of that film – bravely preventing the horror from flying through the baddie-portal. Which is significant, as even the shit-heel politicians who thought the Avengers played fast-and-loose with the rules knew to keep their mouths shut once the baddie-portal had opened.


Cameron gave his pro-austerity speech from the comfort of his Scrooge McDuck-style money pool. After swimming a few lengths, the ex-PM dried himself off with a towel made out of an irreplaceable Edwardian tapestry. He then gave the following speech – his voice projected through Henry VIII’s diamond-encrusted enema-funnel:

The problem with giving money to poor people is that they just pass it around amongst themselves. That’s why their £10 notes are always so scruffy. I asked one of them why his butler hadn’t ironed the creases out of a £20 note once, and he said he couldn’t afford a butler!

So if anything, giving them more money is only going to exacerbate the problem.

King David

When his speech was completed, Cameron was carried out of his money lagoon by a team of barely-clothed junior doctors who were trying to pay their way through university. When it was pointed out that Cameron – like all rich people – was literally being propped up by the non-millionaire classes, he said:

And they say I never give anything back! Who do you think paid them the pittance that they’re sharing amongst themselves?

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

When the junior doctors heard what he had to say, they threw him into the nearest chocolate fondue fountain.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Wikimedia

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed