Weird, elitist secret society appalled at being ‘seen as weird, elitist and secretive’

Freemasons secret society OTP
John Ranson

Human rights lawyers are today falling over themselves to stand up for one of society’s most marginalised and downtrodden groups – the Freemasons.

Off The Perch heard one robed and bewigged legal eagle cry: “Won’t someone please think of the Freemasons!” as he hurried past Temple tube.


Until now, the Freemasons have suffered in silence. They are frequently passed over for promotions at work and can even find themselves prosecuted in situations where a non-mason might have got away with a ticking-off. Lacking the opportunities for social advancement that normal people have, many lodge members live with a chronic sense of thwarted ambition.

But all this may now change. The Freemasons are taking a stand, running a full page advert in three national newspapers. The readers of those papers who aren’t yet masons will finally understand what the lodge is all about.


Fundraising! That’s why people become Freemasons. Because as the Presidents Club hoo-hah showed us, as long as you raise money for charity you can get away with anything. It’s also pretty clear that men find it easier to open their wallets when their wives aren’t around. Like almost everything to do with Freemasonry, that’s just common sense.


To help people realise just how normal the masons are, they’ll be running “open evenings and Q & A events”. Curious outsiders will be able to ask absolutely anything apart from the first three questions they all want to ask. “How do you do the handshake?” “What’s the purpose of the handshake?” “Why have a weird secret handshake and then claim you’re not weird and secret?”

Full disclosure: We still haven’t had a response to our request to join the journalists’ lodge. When we chased it up, an official blamed the “Christmas backlog at the post office”.

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Featured image via Wikimedia

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John Ranson