Commentators were confused on 25 April, as Donald Trump and Emmanuel Macron savagely beat a young tree to death. Said reporters quickly changed their tune, however, when it was revealed the sapling may not have been so innocent. Because this tree, according to the self-styled ‘stable genius’ himself, was actually:
A REALY BAD TREE! Links to Assad, Clinton, Arnold Sjhghjsgawarzenneger, Rosie O’ Donnell – the list goes on! HAD TO BE STOPPED! I did the world a favor, but of course the FAKE NEWS media say otherwise!
In reality though, this is one issue in which Trump has the liberal media’s full support.
THERE WILL BE SAP!
When the media realised the tree had allegedly broken international law, they were quick to publish headlines like:
When Trump pulverised that clearly evil shrub to death with his patriotic fists, he finally became the president we deserve.
This is despite previously publishing headlines like:
Trump is an illiterate orangutan whose brain has been warped by its close proximity to hair bleach and evil.
Read on...Support us and go ad-free
Don’t trust him! Never trust a word he says! DO NOT TRUST HIM!!!!
This American thirst for blood spread around the world.
Well – it spread to Britain, anyway. The only other country that still thinks ‘revenge’ is an effective diplomatic tool.
This meant we saw otherwise sensible reporters like LBC‘s James O’Brien completely losing their cool.
He told one caller to his show:
Fuck the evidence! That tree had chemically infused wasps in it, and anyone who says otherwise is a pissy-pants terror-lover!
O’Brien then ripped his shirt off, shouted “OI! OI! OI!”, and headbutted a nearby vending machine he suspected of having Russian sympathies.
Make like a sap
Having cooled down from their original mania, news outlets are now reporting that the tree-savaging was a:
Which translates as meaning:
There were no real benefits, but at least it didn’t start World War Three.
– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.
Featured image via YouTube – screengrab
We need your help to keep speaking the truth
Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.
Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.
We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.
In return, you get:
* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop
Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.
With your help we can continue:
* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do
We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?