Victory for Tories as several candidates are yet to be exposed as secret sh*tebags

Close up of an angry man's face
John Shafthauer

The Tory party had to suspend a lot of candidates this year. Perhaps because their plan to attract UKIP voters went somewhat awry. Those people were only supposed to vote Tory – they weren’t supposed to run for office.

The Conservatives have had a partial victory, however. Namely because many of their preferred candidates have not been exposed as out-and-out bigots.

Which is to say they haven’t been exposed yet..

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Lest we forget

It’s worth looking at who’s been suspended so far (as this is election day, we’ll make doubly clear this is a satirical piece):

Edgar Groinbag: Groinbag was exposed as running a blog in which he referred to anyone who earns under £50k a month as a “shit-brained, Carling-binging mutant”. That’s £75k a month when you account for inflation.

Liza Funt: Funt was recorded saying anyone found guilty of terrorist offences “should be deported to Scotland to kill two birds with one stone”.

Nicholas Poo: Poo’s entire body was covered in tattoos of Nigel Farage petting German Shepherds.

Maleficent: Maleficent was literally an evil witch.

Count Dracula: Count Dracula was literally an evil vampire.

Barry LeStrange: LeStrange asked, “If gay people are allowed to get married, how come I can’t marry my pig?” LeStrange denies homophobia, however, and claims to have been in a stable relationship with one ‘Babe’ since 2007.

A close shave

Still though, it’s not the ones who’ve been caught out that are important. It’s the ones who’ll fail to get voted in because the government is collapsing.

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Featured image via Public Domain Pictures

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