Off The Perch’s 10 ways to enjoy Royal Wedding Day

People thinking about wedding day fun - OTP
Support us and go ad-free

As the big wedding day looms into inescapable view, there’s only one thing for it. Think of something else to do. Find a way to get yourself out of the house. Doesn’t matter what. Any port in a storm. Just, literally, turn off your TV and go out and do something less boring instead. (© Why Don’t You?)

And here’s Off The Perch to give you a fine, OTP-tested-and-approved list of ten things you could do. And we guarantee they all beat gawping at Huw ruddy Edwards trying to think of things to say for five hours into a cocked hat. Take your pick! Or try them all!

Car!

Go motoring in the countryside. You’ll have the roads to yourself.

A car being towed off the edge of a muddy road

 

 Cake!

Set up your own business making bespoke handcrafted artisanal celebration cakes.

A celebration cake with "Congratulations on completeing your jail sentence" written on it in icing

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

 

Morris!

Take up a new hobby. Meet people! Preserve tradition! Drink beer!

A group of morris dancers waving their hankies

 

Dog!

Happy doggy funtime!

Man in a protective suit being bitten on the arm by a military attack dog

 

Weights!

Get fit. You know you’ve always meant to.

A weightlifter struggling to get both arms straight

 

Yacht!

Devise novel forms of transport. Just watch out for hills, wind, etc.

Two young men in a homemade land yacht / go-kart

 

Mime!

Get into some mime gear and pretend you’re hiding in a box. It’s pretty certain that no one will bother you.

An electrical box by a road, with a mime artist painted on it looking like he's stuck inside

 

Fence!

Visit Scotland’s least necessary fence. Don’t forget to take plenty of pictures!

Tourist standing by a length of fence which stretches from nowhere to nowhere across a Scottish moor

 

Walk!

Enjoy a walk with friends. Think of it as a metaphor for watching the wedding coverage.

A line of people trudging along a muddy ditch

 

Wall!

Accidentally cover up that priceless Banksy on your gable end. Oh no! And all because you were just so desperate to do something that didn’t involve having your mind ruined.

A person finishing painting a large wall white

 

Good luck, and post your best attempts using the hashtag #dodgingthatshit.

Disclaimer: Off The Perch accepts no liability for any injury, embarrassment or social exclusion that may occur as a result of following these tips.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via pxhere / pixabay / maxpixel

Article images via pxhere / Flickr / Wikimedia / Google images / Flickr / Wikipedia / Flickr / maxpixel / US Airforce / Flickr

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed