Celebration cancelled, as Richard Branson announces plan to *return* from space

A meme-like image of Richard Branson being launched into the sun
Support us and go ad-free

There was much rejoicing in Britain on the 26 May, as Richard Branson announced plans to blast himself into space. Said rejoicing has now ended, however, as the arsehole is also planning on coming back.

Boo!

Branson is famous for buying UK infrastructure and using it to profiteer from people, including those who are poor and sick. As such, he’s exactly the sort of person you’d launch into the sun.

Being the selfish prick that he is, though, Branson would like to carry on not being launched into the sun. He told one journalist:

It’s difficult to get rich off other people’s misery when you’re dead – HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

This laughing went on for ten straight minutes, but it would be ludicrous to type out all of the HAs, obviously.

You can keep him

The story has gotten even stranger too. Namely as aliens made first contact with the UK to issue the following proclamation:

PEOPLE OF THE PLANET PLASTIC WASTE, HEED OUR CALL! WE HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOUR SPECIES WITH INTEREST. PARTICULARLY THE ONES YOU REFER TO AS ‘CUNTS’.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

FOR SOME REASON, YOUR SPECIES TOLERATES DOMINATION BY THESE PEOPLE. WE HAVE ZERO TIME FOR THAT SHIT IN SPACE, HOWEVER! AND IF YOUR RICHARD BRANSON LEAVES YOUR PLANET, WE WILL BE FORCED TO ERADICATE HIM WITH OUR SPACE LASERS!

Virgin

Branson is said to be disappointed with the alien threat, although he did see the logic of it. He also said:

It’s a real shame, actually. I was planning on popping my cherry and becoming the first person to privatise the moon.

Everyone else is saying he should just risk it and leave the planet anyway.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via David Shankbone – Flickr / NASA / NASA / YouTube

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed