‘Universal Credit’ to be renamed ‘Scarce Merit’ by Trading Standards

Cartoon of Iain Duncan Smith and Esther McVey talking
John Shafthauer

To call Universal Credit a total disaster would be an insult to total disasters everywhere, but only because it hasn’t rolled out enough to qualify yet. It has notably been disastrous for those afflicted by it, and would be a full-on cluster-fuck if it went universal.

Despite the Department for Work and Pensions’ (DWP) failings at rolling out this failure, Trading Standards has seen enough. And that’s why it’s insisting the DWP changes the name.

Can’t even get the name right 

Trading Standards took issue with both parts of the ‘Universal Credit’ name. It explained:

UNIVERSAL: The problem with saying this scheme is universal is that it isn’t. In reality, Universal Credit is rarer than a Tory with a conscience. Well – maybe not that rare. They did all vote for Universal Credit, after all.

CREDIT: The problem with implying people will be credited is that far too often they’re not. Apparently, the purpose was to make the entire system fairer and more balanced. In reality, the only thing it’s stabilising is the number of sick and disabled who can’t afford to live. The problem is it’s increasing such injustices rather than decreasing them.

As such, we feel the scheme should henceforth be named ‘Scarce Merit’ – a name that neatly sums up its total lack of validity, purpose, or success.


Of course, there are still those who defend Universal Credit. His name is Iain Duncan Smith, and he told us:

Having no money is the quickest way out of poverty for people who can’t work. Trust me.

Duncan Smith then proceeded to eat a beetle that crawled out of his suit – licking at it with his long, forked tongue.

“You can’t be poor if you’re dead,” he added cheerfully.

In response, we flicked holy water at him until he left the building.

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Featured image via Chris McAndrew – Wikimedia / Chirs McAndrew – Wikimedia

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John Shafthauer