Johnson gifts Emperor May an invisible new Brexit Dividend™

Theresa May holding her hands out and saying "I have this much Brexit Dividend. Check it."
Support us and go ad-free

On the 70th anniversary of the NHS, the Tories have decided to give it a gift. Said gift being that they’ll underfund it a bit less than usual for the next five years.

As there’s no ‘magic money tree’ (and no chance the Tories will tax the rich), people are wondering where the cash will come from. Wonder no more, however, as Off The Perch can exclusively reveal that the cash has come in the form of another gift. Namely an invisible Brexit Dividend™ from Boris Johnson.

Splendid

Johnson gave May the incredible present last week. As soon as she had it, the PM decided to go and brag about it to anyone who’d listen. This was unfortunate, as Johnson also gifted her some invisible new clothes. As such, her twin tattoos of John Major and Bernard Manning were visible for everyone to see. Although she did at least have some sensible underwear on.

“Excellent news!” May told her underlings at the Department for Work and Pensions. “We don’t need to cheat people out of an existence anymore, because we’ve got a Brexit Dividend™ to fund their lavish poverty!”

May applauded while several embarrassed-looking staffers walked in with empty wheelbarrows.

“Look at all that Brexit Dividend™,” May said, through a gritted smile. “And there’s plenty more where that came from!”

The civil servants in attendance looked at her like…

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

…well…

…like how they usually look at her now. With a mixture of confusion, disbelief, and horror.

Let them eat Brexit

By the end of the day, May had quietly admitted the Brexit Dividend™ wasn’t real. She’d also put some clothes on, and retired to the Strangers’ Bar.

“Put it on my Brexit Dividend™,” she told the barman, after several sherries.

Not wanting to anger the drunken PM, the barman took his invisible pen out and made a note in his invisible notepad.

“I wish I was invisible,” May sighed in response.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via YouTube

Support us and go ad-free

Do your bit for independent journalism

Did you know that less than 1.5% of our readers contribute financially to The Canary? Imagine what we could do if just a few more people joined our movement to achieve a shared vision of a free and fair society where we nurture people and planet.

We need you to help out, if you can.

When you give a monthly amount to fund our work, you are supporting truly independent journalism. We hold power to account and have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence the counterpoint to the mainstream.

You can count on us for rigorous journalism and fearless opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right wing mainstream media.

In return you get:

  • Advert free reading experience
  • Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
  • 20% discount from our shop

 

The Canary Fund us

Comments are closed