On the 70th anniversary of the NHS, the Tories have decided to give it a gift. Said gift being that they’ll underfund it a bit less than usual for the next five years.
As there’s no ‘magic money tree’ (and no chance the Tories will tax the rich), people are wondering where the cash will come from. Wonder no more, however, as Off The Perch can exclusively reveal that the cash has come in the form of another gift. Namely an invisible Brexit Dividend™ from Boris Johnson.
Johnson gave May the incredible present last week. As soon as she had it, the PM decided to go and brag about it to anyone who’d listen. This was unfortunate, as Johnson also gifted her some invisible new clothes. As such, her twin tattoos of John Major and Bernard Manning were visible for everyone to see. Although she did at least have some sensible underwear on.
“Excellent news!” May told her underlings at the Department for Work and Pensions. “We don’t need to cheat people out of an existence anymore, because we’ve got a Brexit Dividend™ to fund their lavish poverty!”
May applauded while several embarrassed-looking staffers walked in with empty wheelbarrows.
“Look at all that Brexit Dividend™,” May said, through a gritted smile. “And there’s plenty more where that came from!”
The civil servants in attendance looked at her like…
…like how they usually look at her now. With a mixture of confusion, disbelief, and horror.
Let them eat Brexit
By the end of the day, May had quietly admitted the Brexit Dividend™ wasn’t real. She’d also put some clothes on, and retired to the Strangers’ Bar.
“Put it on my Brexit Dividend™,” she told the barman, after several sherries.
Not wanting to anger the drunken PM, the barman took his invisible pen out and made a note in his invisible notepad.
“I wish I was invisible,” May sighed in response.
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