A spokesperson for God last night declared the almighty “absolutely gutted” after the team he supports failed to progress from the group stage of Russia 2018.
The announcement has stunned football pundits and theologians alike. Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby said:
This is concerning. The teaching of the Church has always been that God is neutral in matters of sport, politics and the Eurovision Song Contest. I’ll be hosting an ecumenical Skype this afternoon with Pope Francis and other religious leaders. The Church of England will be calling for 24-hour prayer meetings to ask the Lord to transfer his allegiance to Harry and the boys in the knockout stages.
“Extraordinary. Just extraordinary,” said veteran analyst Mark Lawrenson. “I’m at a loss.”
Meanwhile, South American expert Tim Vickery suggested God may already be spoken for:
We’ve heard from Messi, who, let’s face it, is basically God for anyone whose religion is football, that Argentina were bound to go through because God wouldn’t let them lose. I dunno if he cleared that with the Nigerian players, either the Christian ones or the Muslim ones.
Amid speculation that maybe Germany was the team with divine backing, England fan Terry Chestnuts said he couldn’t see it:
Nah! God wouldn’t be a Germany fan. Their players aren’t even Christians. Oh, some of them are? And Muslims? Christ! But surely he’d want England to win. It’s like World War Two, isn’t it? Not that I’m into all that. The closest I’ve got to praying was shouting “Please Jesus don’t let Kane take corners” at the car radio two years ago.
– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.
We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support
The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.
The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.
So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.