Theresa May miraculously unites Brexiteers and Remainers

A crowd outside Westminster shouting "We all think your plan is terrible!"
John Shafthauer

Since 2016, the people of Britain have been drifting apart. Theresa May has done the unthinkable though. She’s managed to bring everyone together in agreement that her Brexit plan is the worst option of all.

No Brexaggeration 

There are three main groups in the UK:

  • Strident Brexiteers who want nothing short of hard Brexit.
  • Ardent Remainers who want nothing less than super-Remain.
  • Everyone else (i.e. the vast majority of people) who want TO STOP HEARING ABOUT FUCKING BREXIT!

Brexiteers hate May’s plan because it means being tied to the EU’s rules. Remainers dislike it because we’d lose all our EU privileges. Everyone else loathes it BECAUSE IT MEANS PROLONGING BREXIT FOR SEVERAL MORE FUCKING YEARS! JESUS! ENOUGH ALREADY!

Come together

Protests were briefly planned, but agreeing on a chant proved difficult. The hardcore Brexiteers suggested:

What do we want?

The British Empire and ‘Allo, Allo’ back on TV!

The ultra-Remainers (i.e. Alastair Campbell) proposed:

What do we want?

To get back to a status-quo in which we can pretend everything is tickety-boo because the only ones affected are plebs, foreigners, and people who give a shit!

And everyone else demanded:

What do we want?

TO STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT BREXIT!

SERIOUSLY!

I’M FURIOUS AT MYSELF FOR EVEN CHANTING THIS SHIT!

Moving forwards

It’s difficult to see who could (or would want to) replace May at this point. Although by the time this is published, you probably already know. You might even know who replaced the replacement.

Happy Thursday, everybody!

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Featured image via Geograph – Robert Lamb (IMAGE WAS ALTERED)

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John Shafthauer