Tory leadership hopefuls take turns wiping Trump’s arse

Trump holding toilet rolle with Boris Johnson and Esther McVey behind him

Since President Trump landed in the UK, Tory leadership hopefuls have been queuing up to please him. This took an unfortunate turn when Jeremy Hunt and the Fanta-faced menace went to the Henry VIII museum.

“Now this guy got respect!” Trump beamed when they got to the exhibit on the ruler’s bathroom regime.


Henry VIII famously employed a so-called ‘groom of the stool’ – a gentleman who functioned as his “bottom-wiper-in-chief”. The men employed in this role would actually be respectable ‘nobles’, and this gave Trump an idea.

“Hey, Cunt – do you know how to wipe?” he asked.

“Umm… it’s pronounced ‘Hunt’, actually, and yes – yes I do.”

“Are you sure? Because you look like maybe you don’t have the brain biglies.”

“I can assure you my brain biglies are the bigliest, Mr President, and I’d be more than happy to -”

Read on...

At this point, Hunt was interrupted by Boris Johnson leaping out from behind a tapestry.

“If you’re going to grace anyone with the honour of cleansing your under-carriage, Mr President, you should choose me,” Johnson slimed. “I have the soft hands of a Prussian viscount, and a wiping technique taught to me by Jacob Rees-Mogg’s nanny.”


Trump only understood about 30% of what Johnson said, but he could see the desperation in his eyes. Unfortunately for Johnson, he wasn’t the only leadership hopeful stalking Trump. This resulted in something of a fracas in the museum as more and more Tories showed themselves.

“This is the kind of special relationship I like,” Trump said, as he watched them fight. “I like buying stuff cheap from desperate losers, and these Tories will sell anything that isn’t nailed down.”

Thankfully for the leadership hopefuls, Trump had more than enough arse to go around.

Featured image via pixabay / Wikimedia – Gage Skidmore / Wikimedia – Adrian Pingstone / Wikimedia – Chris McAndrew / Wikimedia – Think London (images were altered)

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  • Show Comments
    1. Trump wavers after saying NHS must be on table,
      in US-UK trade talks

      LOOK Tory Govt you will be ‘OUT of power FAST’ if you sell off any of our N.H.S to over country in the E.U. and that includes the C**p U.S.A.
      Remember all you Tory party member that includes your voters as well as they let you get away, unchecked with all the C**p you have got away with so-far, you have already, damaged your relationship with us voter in U.K. Tory Govt thanks to Ms May C**p handling on E.U. Mess.
      (she failed miserably to get us out off.)
      FINALLY! — (On this special week of remembrances)
      On this week of remembering all our brave relatives that died in war time to protect our British way of life plus, all the over U.K. land like Wales /Scotland/ Northern Ireland alike, that also includes the way this country is run.
      (“I salute + thank you all for your bravery in war)
      (You Tory Govt member put them all to shame now)
      The way you all are selling us all out to over country in E.U. area also out of E.U. area now bit by bit by doggy deal done in backroom of parliament now just for your personal gains Not for our country my relatives died for — for me and you lot to live a better life, you Tory party member + Tory voter are now destroying our country the 5 years in Offices ongoing now. I include your Tory voter because they let you get away with all you have done so far, a fact!
      Saying nothing to you lot hiding away in LONDON trashing our country within Parliament + H.O.Commons
      -(including Tory Party members)
      (”I feel very sad they were all betrayed by this Tory Govt)

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