Since President Trump landed in the UK, Tory leadership hopefuls have been queuing up to please him. This took an unfortunate turn when Jeremy Hunt and the Fanta-faced menace went to the Henry VIII museum.
“Now this guy got respect!” Trump beamed when they got to the exhibit on the ruler’s bathroom regime.
Henry VIII famously employed a so-called ‘groom of the stool’ – a gentleman who functioned as his “bottom-wiper-in-chief”. The men employed in this role would actually be respectable ‘nobles’, and this gave Trump an idea.
“Hey, Cunt – do you know how to wipe?” he asked.
“Umm… it’s pronounced ‘Hunt’, actually, and yes – yes I do.”
“Are you sure? Because you look like maybe you don’t have the brain biglies.”
“I can assure you my brain biglies are the bigliest, Mr President, and I’d be more than happy to -”
At this point, Hunt was interrupted by Boris Johnson leaping out from behind a tapestry.
“If you’re going to grace anyone with the honour of cleansing your under-carriage, Mr President, you should choose me,” Johnson slimed. “I have the soft hands of a Prussian viscount, and a wiping technique taught to me by Jacob Rees-Mogg’s nanny.”
Trump only understood about 30% of what Johnson said, but he could see the desperation in his eyes. Unfortunately for Johnson, he wasn’t the only leadership hopeful stalking Trump. This resulted in something of a fracas in the museum as more and more Tories showed themselves.
“This is the kind of special relationship I like,” Trump said, as he watched them fight. “I like buying stuff cheap from desperate losers, and these Tories will sell anything that isn’t nailed down.”
Thankfully for the leadership hopefuls, Trump had more than enough arse to go around.
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