Change UK declares victory in Peterborough by-election
It’s been something of a week for Change UK. Only a few days ago, it lost half its MPs. Now it’s declaring victory in the Peterborough by-election.
To do this, it’s using the same ‘logic’ that led its MPs to believe the UK needed another bland centrist party.
Nothing has Changed
Speaking to a gaggle of journalists, Mike Gapes announced:
Looking at the results, it’s clear that the only parties who didn’t lose this election were Labour and Change UK.
At this point, a journalist pointed out that Change UK didn’t actually field a candidate.
“Exactly!” Gapes said – beginning to sweat. “You can’t lose if you don’t enter the race. We also saved a lot of money by not fielding anyone, so we’ve actually done better than Labour from a financial perspective.”
The audience looked unsure.
Read on...
Disasterclass
“Look, it could have been a lot worse, okay?” Gapes continued. “At least no one spoiled their ballots by writing ‘Mike Gapes is a bumhead’.”
At this point, an aide approached the flailing MP. He took on a sombre expression as the assistant whispered something into his ear. When they’d finished, Gapes turned back to the microphone.
“I regret to inform you that several people spoiled their ballots by writing ‘Mike Gapes is a bumhead’,” the MP explained.
As no one had used any stronger profanities than that, Change UK is still claiming victory.
Featured image via Wikimedia – Chris McAndrew
Get involved
- For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support
The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.
The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.
So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.
-
Show Comments
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to leave a comment.Join the conversationPlease read our comment moderation policy here.
Mike Gapes…I’m lost for words…