Change UK declares victory in Peterborough by-election

It’s been something of a week for Change UK. Only a few days ago, it lost half its MPs. Now it’s declaring victory in the Peterborough by-election.

To do this, it’s using the same ‘logic’ that led its MPs to believe the UK needed another bland centrist party.

Nothing has Changed

Speaking to a gaggle of journalists, Mike Gapes announced:

Looking at the results, it’s clear that the only parties who didn’t lose this election were Labour and Change UK.

At this point, a journalist pointed out that Change UK didn’t actually field a candidate.

“Exactly!” Gapes said – beginning to sweat. “You can’t lose if you don’t enter the race. We also saved a lot of money by not fielding anyone, so we’ve actually done better than Labour from a financial perspective.”

The audience looked unsure.

Disasterclass

“Look, it could have been a lot worse, okay?” Gapes continued. “At least no one spoiled their ballots by writing ‘Mike Gapes is a bumhead’.”

At this point, an aide approached the flailing MP. He took on a sombre expression as the assistant whispered something into his ear. When they’d finished, Gapes turned back to the microphone.

“I regret to inform you that several people spoiled their ballots by writing ‘Mike Gapes is a bumhead’,” the MP explained.

As no one had used any stronger profanities than that, Change UK is still claiming victory.

Featured image via Wikimedia – Chris McAndrew