Fears for drinking water as Johnson ‘guarantees’ we’ll have drinking water
Boris Johnson has guaranteed that despite his plans for a hard/moronic Brexit, there will at least be drinking water:
"There will be drinking water, whatever happens on October 31st," says Boris Johnson.
Such ambition.
— Adam Bienkov (@AdamBienkov) June 27, 2019
Read on...
As people in Britain are familiar with Johnson, they’ve largely all come to the same conclusion:
THERE WON’T BE ANY DRINKING WATER COME 1 NOVEMBER.
Panic
Within 27 minutes of Johnson’s statement, the entire UK had sold out of bottled water. Trying to downplay the event, Johnson said:
Truly we live in a golden age of retail. I expect things will only improve under my stewardship.
This caused shares to fall in pretty much every retail operation in the UK. Pleading with the Tory members, a spokesperson from the shop workers union said:
Why are you doing this? It’s like he had the Midas touch, but instead of gold, everything he touches turns into horseshit.
Pestilence
Johnson once more intervened – saying:
I dispute that I regurgitate manure, but while we’re on the subject, I’d like to guarantee that farmers are about to see their biggest boom since 1845.
When it was pointed out that 1845 was the year of the English-perpetrated ‘potato famine‘, Johnson laughed and said:
Oh really? I just picked a year at random. It’s funny how I’m always, always wrong about everything, don’t you think?
As you can imagine, because Johnson described this fact as “funny”, nobody else was laughing.
Featured image via Bundesministerium für Europa, Integration und Äußeres – Wikimedia / pixabay
Get involved
- For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support
The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.
The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.
So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.
-
Show Comments
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to leave a comment.Join the conversationPlease read our comment moderation policy here.
.jpg){kind=link}