Piers Morgan vowed to offend more people in 2019, but quite the reverse is happening

Piers Morgan and Susanna Reid
Wilson Belshaw

Piers Morgan’s 2019 new year’s resolution was to cause more ‘offence’. Within hours of making it, Morgan became horrifically offended himself – a turn of events which could have been predicted by anyone familiar with him.

Rolls

On 2 January, Greggs announced its new vegan sausage roll:

For many, this was an unsurprising move. As of April 2018, comparethemarket.com reported that 3.5 million Britons were vegan – that’s 7% of the population. If you’re Greggs the baker, that’s 7% fewer potential customers, so obviously the new roll is a sensible marketing decision. Unless it’s seen through the eyes of Mr Offence, obviously, in which case it’s a paranoid surrender to the PC mob:

Morgan is talking about ‘political correctness’. He has the opinion that people bully corporations into doing things their way by becoming offended by them on social media. It would be pointless telling him that this is exactly what he’s doing, because he likely already knows. That, or he’s given himself mad cow disease from all the meat he’s been angrily protest-eating at his luxury villa:

It turned out that Greggs had predicted Morgan’s tantrum. Morgan responded by taking offence at something else that no one had even mentioned – such are his powers of being offended:

Ironically, despite Morgan’s obvious disdain for how humans identify themselves, he draws the line at the way people identify hot pastry snacks:

Happy New Year

The offence hadn’t peaked yet. McDonald’s – another company that likely doesn’t want to lose out on an expanding market – also announced a meat-free option:

This led to Morgan becoming offended that the vegetarian Happy Meals won’t be unhealthy enough (despite fast food ‘healthy’ options sometimes having more fat than the alternative):

Around about the same time, Morgan moaned that obesity is some sort of millennial trend:

This shows that Morgan is an equal opportunity offendee – a man who’s able to take offence to both sides of any argument.

Common sense

One tweet showed where Morgan’s sympathies actually lie – namely with saying stupid things for attention:

The meat industry has a giant carbon footprint and produces significantly less nutritional benefit than crop farming. Pigs are mentally comparable with dogs, chimps, and dolphins. But thinking about things is irritating, so Morgan instead tweets some shit about insects – a bizarre point he’s brought up before, saying on his show:

Look at this little guy, he’ll never win a beauty prize but he’s a cute little guy. These guys get murdered.

Exterminated in their billions – you ask any wheat farmers… so vegans are riddled with hypocrisy.

This shows that Morgan – the master of hypocrisy – is actually capable of being offended by hypocrisy. Even if it’s just hypocrisy he made up himself because he didn’t have an actual argument.

Although, saying that, it’s obvious why Piers might feel greater empathy for stink beetles than more complex animals.

Featured image via YouTube

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