Blair’s leaked list of Iraq wrongdoers blames everyone but him

Following rumours that the Chilcot Report is going to go badly for Tony Blair (ie that it’s going to confirm what we all already know), the former PM has been on something of a pre-emptive offensive.

Aides to Mr Blair have advised him against such a move – especially as his proclivity for pre-emptive offences is what landed him in trouble in the first place. Tony angrily refused to listen, however, and it was this aggressive behaviour which led to one of them leaking the following list of people that Blair will attempt to blame for the Iraq war.

That and the fact that he insisted on referring to all of his various aides, servants, and manscapers as ‘Tony.’

What follows is the list with Mr Blair’s own handwritten notes transcribed in italics:

• Everyone else (Might be a bit much to convince people that it was their fault, Tony – although it clearly effing was. Back in the day I could have sold Tony to the eskimos, but society’s riddled with Maoist infiltrators now),
• Their army (We’d bloody well won, and they knew that we’d won, and they just carried on fighting anyway! Imagine if at the end of Star Wars the Empire carried on fighting instead of saying “good job, lads – I guess we’ll just let you take over now.” Although obviously if anyone was the Empire, it was probably us, as that Palpatine’s election success rate was nearly as good as mine. Either way, you’d think that their army would enjoy an early and abrupt retirement – but no – they went and formed ISIS instead),
• Our army (They were explicitly told – go over there and win the war – and did they? Did they!? No – they bloody well didn’t! They just kept blaming everyone else – saying “Tony, Tony – our rifles don’t work” or “Tony, Tony – WTF is this post-invasion strategy even?” People say that I’M the let down, but when daddy Bush told me what to do, I did it!),
• Al-Qaeda (When we decided to teach al-Qaeda a lesson for 9/11 by invading an unaffiliated country, the last thing that anybody could have predicted was that al-Qaeda would then join in the war. I mean – what planet are these people even on? Headcases – the lot of them),
• The weather (It was early Spring when we invaded, and it was already hotter than my most recent autobiography – ‘Some Like it Tony.’ We thought that it would get cooler by the winter, but it turns out that it’s hot all year round. Obnoxious. Simply obnoxious),
• Jeremy Corbyn (Oh yes, Jeremy Corbyn – Jeremy-effing-Corbyn. He talks himself up as this big man of peace, but if that’s the case, then how come he couldn’t talk me out of illegally invading the Iraqi rebels into laying down their arms?),
• Chilcot (Chilcot? More like Harshcot. Why not just let bybombs be bybombs?)

Although there’s no concrete evidence to support it, the aide also claims that if it comes to a war-crime tribunal, that Blair is actually going to refuse to recognise The Hague and run a trial of his own from the defendant box. Which does sound exactly like the sort of thing he’d do, to be fair.

Featured image via Flickr / Flickr.