Despite having apparently been ignored, spurned, and ridiculed by 52% of the British population, a number of ‘experts’ have put together a safety pamphlet on how to survive Hard Brexit.
Originally, this group attempted to release the advice through a third-party – knowing full well that people today have an aversion to things like expert advice, quantifiable evidence, or common f*cking sense. This is why it was actually some random guy on social media who originally released the information.
Unfortunately for the experts, however, simply being an indiscriminate loud-mouth is not enough. You also have to say things which 100% support people’s beliefs. Very much like how you avoid telling your toddler that Father Christmas isn’t real, because you know that they’ll be a d*ck about it afterwards.
Unfortunately, we weren’t able to get hold of a copy of the original pamphlet because they were all torched at a mass book-burning in Thanet. What follows is the information as was described to us by an expert online.
As a result of Brexit, the pound may go into a steep nosedive. If this happens, you should immediately go into the brace position and stay there until sterling stabilises. Not because there’s going to be a literal impact, but simply because it will prevent you from freaking out and panic-buying Ben & Jerry’s. And this is very important, because you’re going to need all your money later on to use as fuel. You won’t be able to burn the coins, obviously, but you will be able to use them as projectiles to ward off mutants. Which is also very important, because these mutants will be relentlessly trying to steal all of your rocks. And you can’t be having that, because you’re going to need all those rocks for sustenance and entertainment.
In the Brexopalypse, you may often come across people who are dying from the shock of no more freedom of movement, pollinated crops, or condom-free beaches. By rolling such folk on to their sides, you should be better able to access the swag in their pockets, and then swipe it all for yourself. You should keep a special eye out for Marmite, which will be used as currency, and copies of American Psycho, which will be used as some sort of latter day Bible in the 80’s-inspired yuppie-topia that the Tories no doubt intend on creating.
Stop, drop, and roll
Because Britain will be exempt from the irritating air pollution laws that the EU’s H&S uber-führers forced upon us, there is a slight chance that the sky might catch fire. It’s not that likely of course, but at the very least you should expect some acid rain – like back in the 70s when everyone called us ‘the dirty man of Europe’. Undulating about on the floor won’t actually help necessarily, but it will at least prevent mutants from rolling you into the recovery position and stealing all of your rocks.
EDITOR’S NOTE: You know, I’m starting to suspect that the “expert” we found on Twitter might have just been “some guy” after all. Because it starts off with a point, but most of it is… not very experty at all. Although, it is still more factual than anything which Vote Leave committed to the side of a bus.
We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support
The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.
The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.
So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.