Referendum ‘about as legal as anything else we’ve done’, shrugs Theresa May

People who strongly believe that we should stay in the EU were pleased to discover that David Cameron’s government officially declared that referendums:

Cannot be legally binding.

Theresa May was quick to respond to this, however, by explaining that she is:

Basically just not arsed.

And that her government will:

Do whatever we like for as long as you bottom-feeders keep voting for us.

And also that:

If I could smother you all to death in used nappies, I would. God, I hate you.

At this point, an aide informed the PM that we were not one of the rent-a-plebs that she hires to vent all of her prole-hatred on. And we promptly ran off before she could make good on her threats.

Taking back control

One of the key promises that the Leave campaign made was that we would take back control; that we would take back our democracy; that we would once more be free to decide our own laws. The problem with this idea, of course, is that the Tories have about as strong a taste for democracy as a slug does for semtex-infused salt.

We asked our local newsagent if he had a good analogy to further explain this point, and he provided us with the following:

Imagine if you were an ape living in an ape house with a load of other apes. Life for you was essentially okay, although the head ape had a habit of pilfering your bananas and just generally being a d*ck. Largely, this d*ckishness involved him flinging his faeces everywhere and then blaming the meerkats in the adjoining enclosure – even though you’d patently all seen him do it.

Okay, so now imagine that one day this head ape said that if everyone formed a giant pyramid, he would be able to escape from the enclosure and get access to the banana store. From there, he would liberate all of the bananas and throw them down to you.

Of course, what he actually does is eat them all by himself, poop them all out, and then throw the poop down at you. And in case you missed it, the bananas in that analogy represented democracy. The moral of the story being that you should never trust a blatantly untrustworthy ape.

They are the law

Until this point, the Tories have shown about as much respect for the law as a mountain goat does for gravity. Whether it’s potentially fixing an election, showing no regard for disability rights, calling for people who disagree with them to be imprisoned, arming war criminals, or having closer ties with big business than a CEO’s dominatrix, the Nasty Party just clearly does not care what people think.

Which is why you shouldn’t hold your breath if you’re hoping for our unelected PM to develop a sudden fondness for obsessively following the law. No, really don’t hold your breath. You’d die.

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