Tories pay £1bn for the right to carry on saying there’s no money

The Conservative Party had several strong and stable slogans during the 2017 election. Slogans which included:

Greed is on fleek.

And:

Try turning her on and off again. She was working this morning.

And of course:

There is no magic money tree.

And yet, despite there allegedly being no magic money tree, they’ve just paid the DUP £1bn to secure a parliamentary majority. Almost as if there actually is a magic money tree. Or at the very least some sort of cosmic cash conifer.

Living within their means

Obviously, this lead to journalists asking Theresa May:

If we can’t afford to give money to the scientists who say things like medicine and global warming require cash, how can we dole it out to a bunch of fanatics who think that medicine and global warming need ignoring?

To which the PM responded by not actually answering the question. Almost as if she were a robot who had been programmed to self-destruct if she ever accidentally gave a coherent response.

There were more important questions to be ignored too, including:

Wouldn’t that £1bn have been better spent on literally anything else?

And:

Why don’t you just fuck off now while your backwards party has a slither of credibility left, you chronic failure?

Generations

Five more years of pretending that there’s no money left isn’t the only thing the Tories have bought, however. They’ve also bought themselves the sort of taint that only comes from aligning yourself with the bad guys from the Salem witch trials.

A taint which will see them lose favourability amongst anyone who supports LGBTQ+ rights; lose support amongst anyone who thinks that women should be in control of their own bodies; and also lose support amongst anyone who has listened to the tabloids’ ‘terrorist sympathiser’ shtick and duly thinks that the Northern Irish are a bunch of balaclava-clad extremists.

And that taint may stick for some time.

As one Tory MP said of the DUP:

we have a lot in common.

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